Below are four general relationship styles that people
Place a checkmark next to the style that best describes you
or is closest to the way you are.
____ A. It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others.
I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend
on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others
not accept me.
____ B. I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want
emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to
trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that
I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.
____ C. I want to be completely emotionally intimate with
others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get
as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without
close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t
value me as much as I value them.
____ D. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships.
It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient,
and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend
This questionnaire assess attachment style. If you
chose A, you have secure attachment and likely have successful
relationships. If you chose B, C, or D, you tend to have one
of three types of insecure attachment, which puts you at risk
for relationship difficulty. If you would like to learn more
about anxious attachment or insecure love, check out the Reading
List. The section “Books
on Unhealthy Relationships” has several informative
books on this topic, many of which refer to the concept as
If insecure love is a problem for you, Coupling
Connection can help you break out of the pattern
and build a more satisfying, loving relationship. See Services
for more information.
Couples: Relationship Dynamic Scale
Answer each of the following questions about your
relationship with your partner.
Use the following 3 point scale to rate how often
you and your partner experience the following:
1 = almost never
2 = once in a while
3 = frequently
1. Little arguments escalate into ugly fights with
accusations, criticisms, name calling or bringing up past
2. My partner criticizes or belittles my opinions,
feelings, or desires.
3. My partner seems to view my words or actions more
negatively than I mean them to be.
4. When we have a problem to solve, it’s like
we are on opposite teams.
5. I hold back from telling my partner what I really
think and feel.
6. I think seriously about what it would be like
to date or marry someone else.
7. I feel lonely in this relationship.
8. When we argue, one of us withdraws...that is,
doesn’t want to talk about it anymore or leaves the
These questions were devised by Dr.’s Markman,
Stanely, and Blumberg at the University of Denver. They are
based on 17 years of research on the kinds of communication
and conflict management patterns that predict if a relationship
is headed for trouble. In a nationwide telephone survey, the
average score was 11. While a higher score does not mean that
your relationship is destined to fail, higher scores can mean
that your relationship may be in greater danger unless changes
Calculate your score by adding up your answers on
the scale from 1-3 for each question, with a minimum score
being 8 and a maximum score being 24.
A score from 8-12 is a
you scored in the 8-12 range, your relationship is probably
in good or even great shape AT THIS TIME. We emphasize “at
this time” because relationships don’t stand still.
In the next 12 months, you'll either have a stronger, happier
relationship or you could head in the other direction. Think
of it this way, it’s like you are traveling along and
have come to a green light. You don’t need to stop,
but this is a great time to work on making your relationship
all it can be!
A score of 13-17 is a
you scored in the 13-17 range, it’s like coming to a
“yellow light.” You need to be cautious. While
you may be happy in your relationship now, your score reveals
warning signs of patterns that you don’t want to get
worse. You’ll want to be taking action to protect and
improve what you have. Spending time to strengthen your relationship
now could be the best thing you could do for your future together.
A score of 18-24 is a
you scored in the 18-24 range, it’s like approaching
a “red light.” Stop and think about where the
two of you are headed. Your score indicates the presence of
patterns that could put your relationship at significant risk.
You may be heading for trouble or you may already be there.
But there is good news. You can stop and learn to improve
your relationship now!
Whether your relationship scored a green, yellow
or red light, Coupling Connection has a service designed
to make the most of your relationship!
If you scored a green light, now may be the perfect
time to enroll in an educational
workshop and learn more about how to ensure your relationship
stays on the right track.
If you scored a yellow light, couples coaching
may be the perfect way to enhance the knowledge and skills
to take your relationship to the next level of satisfaction.
If you scored a red light, couples coaching
or counseling can help you get
back on the right track!