Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle
Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle

Welcome to RelationSmarts!

A Dating, Mating and Relating E-Newsletter

August 21, 2007

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*Important Update*

You may have noticed that Relation Smart has only been arriving once a month this summer. That's because we're planning big things!

To better provide you with the information you need to create the relationship of your dreams, starting in September, Relation Smarts will be divided into two individual newsletters. Date Smart will focus on dating information for singles and Relation Smart will provide relationship tips for couples. They will arrive on alternate weeks.

Because I have no way of knowing if you are interested in receiving the dating articles, the couples information, or both, everyone will be included on both lists. UNLESS, I know you personally and know for sure that you are married or coupled in a long term relationship (then you'll just get the couples version).

If you decide that you would only like to receive one edition, or no edition, please just email me an unsubscribe and let me know what you prefer.

We recognize that singles become couples, and couples become singles, so please feel free to change your subscription based on the stage of your relationship!

We exist solely to help you create love that lasts a lifetime, from first date to fiftieth anniversary. And we're committed to continuing to find better, easier, and more efficient ways of serving you so that you can create the love you deserve.

To your happy relationship,

Dr. Jenn


Ever Wonder How to Get a Guy to Ask You Out?'s magazine "Happen" interviewed me on this topic for a new article. Get the scoop here: Help Him Ask You Out


* Summer's End Special *

Singles, sign up for the Relationship Readiness Inventory before September 3 and get a free additional coaching session. That's a savings of $75!

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten!

Benefits of the Inventory:

- Discover which habits in selecting partners are holding you back from creating the love you deserve
- Gain crucial insight into why you keep repeating these patterns so that you can break free from the emotional hold of the past
- Learn the essential information you need to steer clear of the wrong partners so you can make the best relationship choices the next time around.
- Decide which skills you'll sharpen so that you can create a happy, healthy relationship that lasts
- Finally ditch dead end relationships so that you can find your ultimate match and live the joyful intimate connection you've always longed for!

You deserve it- what are you waiting for? Email today to reserve your spot- only 10 spots available. Give yourself the gift of taking the next step toward the relationship of your dreams. Only $99.

Learn more about the Inventory here



When Breaking Up is the Best Gift

I spoke with a young man recently who was considering breaking up with his girlfriend of five months. He rightly recognized that he could not offer her what she needed. As a result, she was in pain. She needed more than he could offer, perhaps in terms of time, commitment, connection, intimacy. Neither person was right or wrong, but clearly they were not a match.

Being together resulted in both of them feeling badly, for different reasons. For her, it clearly hurts when the person you are with won’t or can’t give you what you need. For him, it’s uncomfortable, maybe even guilt inducing or irritating, to be with someone whose needs you know you are not meeting or don't want to meet.

In this case, by staying with this woman, the guy was in essence, re-wounding her. And she, in staying, was allowing herself to be re-victimized. A pattern each was playing out from the past…old story line, new actors, but same old pain. If we dug deeper into their histories, we’d find a family story that supported each of these familiar roles. A role you are destined to repeat, only until you choose a different one.

In a situation like this, the most loving action the man could take would be to tenderly break up with her, to free her from the painful cycle of wanting more than she ever receives from him. To do it with a clean break would offer his partner the most important gift- the gift of a new beginning.

Of course, she could also dig deep to find the strength to give herself the greatest gift of all: Moving on, knowing that she will never again accept less than she deserves.

This couple had different needs in terms of Comfort with Closeness- the most pivotal of compatibility factors. To learn more about this crucial dimension email me and I'll send you an article that I wrote on the topic for Savvy Singles magazine.

Action Step: Is there someone you need to give the gift of freedom by letting them go? Or is it time to claim your self worth and move on? Do it now, not tomorrow. Or tomorrow can become six months from now!

Do you routinely find yourself in relationships like the one above, where you don’t get what you need, or where your partner’s want more from you than you can willingly offer? Dr. Jenn specializes in helping singles sort out these habits so that they can create the love they deserve. Take advantage of the Relationship Readiness Inventory today (see summer special above) and get started down the path toward happy, healthy love.

Want to learn more about how to pick the right partner and ditch the habits from the past that no longer work for you? Join us for my Soulmate or Stalemate: Six Steps to Finding Your Perfect Partner workshop at CFU in September. Learn more here: CFU class


Is Jealousy Good For Your Relationship?

Cosmopolitan magazine recently interviewed me for their August edition on the topic of whether jealousy can be good for a relationship. Jealousy is a hot topic. What do you think?

Well, like everything, jealousy is good in moderation. Here’s why.

Jealousy is a sign that something you care about could be in danger. When you use that emotion positively- to protect your relationship- it can be a good thing. Of course when you take that too far- it can be damaging. But as with all emotions, what counts is what you do with it.

So what’s the best thing to do when you feel jealous? Talk, without blame, about your feelings and perceptions with your partner so you can protect your relationship together. As long as you know that being overly jealous isn’t usually an issue for you (if it is, you may need to work through the issue with a therapist), the pangs of jealousy could be your gut telling you that your partner is attracted to someone else.

There is nothing wrong with that by itself- we’re human, and it’s going to happen in even the best of relationships. But it is important that you don’t act inappropriately on that attraction, and that becomes especially important when you are around this new person on a regular basis. .

Here's where jealousy can help protect your relationship. By going to your partner and sharing your feelings, together you can explore if there is any need for concern. Sometimes the partner who has a growing attraction never really realized that it was becoming something that could threaten your bond. You can do that by exploring some questions together:

- Are you sexually attracted to her/him?
- Do you find yourself fantasizing about her/him?
- Do you feel yourself drawn to her/him emotionally?
- Have you opened up and shared really personal info with her/him?
- Has anything happened between you two that you would feel uncomfortable telling your partner about?

You need to be honest with yourself and your partner as you explore these questions. And if there are any yes answers here- the couple can work together to come up with a plan to deal with it.

Typically that involves moving away from the attractive person. For example, by agreeing to minimize contact, by telling your partner when there is contact, and by sharing less personal information.

However, if you find a developing attraction, you may also have to take back control of your mind by consciously directing your attention to your partner whenever you have thoughts of the new person. In essence, you simply refuse to go down the road that was starting to look attractive.

Action Step: The bottom line is this: we’re all going to have attractions to other people and sometimes our partners pick up on our emotions and feel jealous. That’s ok because you want to use your instincts- your jealousy- to notice when you might need to protect your relationship. When you are in a long term committed relationship, you need to be on the lookout for attraction to others so you can something about it- not just slide toward it. That’s how too many affairs start. But when you listen to your gut and take active measures to protect your love, it can last a lifetime.

Relation Tip: Want more ways to protect your relationship from outside attraction? Read about Devaluing Attractive Alternatives in the May 2006 edition, here.



Join us for the September Savvy Singles Book Group

Perhaps the most important information for all singles I've come across in a long time! If you haven't found the right partner yet, you can't afford to miss this one!

Learn more at


*NEW* Ready for a couple checkup? Want to strengthen or reinvigorate your relationship? Then the Prepare/Enrich Inventory is for you!! Email for more info or learn more here: Prepare Inventory


Do you have a topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed in an upcoming newsletter? Email us!

Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts? Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!

May your relationships bring you the happiness you deserve,

Dr. Jenn

Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.


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