may have noticed that Relation Smart has only been arriving
once a month this summer. That's because we're planning big
To better provide you with the information you need to create
the relationship of your dreams, starting in September,
will be divided into two individual newsletters.
Date Smart will focus on dating
information for singles and Relation
Smart will provide relationship tips for couples. They
will arrive on alternate weeks.
I have no way of knowing if you are interested in receiving
the dating articles, the couples information, or both, everyone
will be included on both lists. UNLESS, I know you personally
and know for sure that you are married or coupled
in a long term relationship (then you'll just get the couples
you decide that you would only like to receive one edition,
or no edition, please just email
me an unsubscribe and let me know what you prefer.
recognize that singles become couples, and couples become
singles, so please feel free to change your subscription based
on the stage of your relationship!
exist solely to help you create love that lasts a lifetime,
from first date to fiftieth anniversary. And we're committed
to continuing to find better, easier, and more efficient ways
of serving you so that you can create the love you deserve.
your happy relationship,
Wonder How to Get a Guy to Ask You Out?
magazine "Happen" interviewed me on this
topic for a new article. Get the scoop here: Help
Him Ask You Out
Summer's End Special *
Singles, sign up for the Relationship
Readiness Inventory before September 3 and get a free
additional coaching session. That's a savings of $75!
If you keep
doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always
- Discover which habits
in selecting partners are holding you back from creating the
love you deserve
- Gain crucial insight
into why you keep repeating these patterns so that you can
break free from the emotional hold of the past
- Learn the essential information you need to steer clear
of the wrong partners so you can make the best relationship
choices the next time around.
- Decide which skills you'll
sharpen so that you can create a happy, healthy relationship
- Finally ditch dead end relationships
so that you can find your ultimate match and live the joyful
intimate connection you've always longed for!
You deserve it- what are you waiting
today to reserve your spot- only 10 spots available. Give
yourself the gift of taking the next step toward the relationship
of your dreams. Only $99.
Learn more about the Inventory here
When Breaking Up is the Best Gift
I spoke with a young man recently
who was considering breaking up with his girlfriend of five
months. He rightly recognized that he could not offer her
what she needed. As a result, she was in pain. She needed
more than he could offer, perhaps in terms of time, commitment,
connection, intimacy. Neither person was right or wrong, but
clearly they were not a match.
Being together resulted in both of them feeling badly,
for different reasons. For her, it clearly hurts when the
person you are with won’t or can’t give you what
you need. For him, it’s uncomfortable, maybe even guilt
inducing or irritating, to be with someone whose needs you
know you are not meeting or don't want to meet.
In this case, by staying with this woman, the guy
was in essence, re-wounding her. And she, in staying, was
allowing herself to be re-victimized. A pattern each was playing
out from the past…old story line, new actors, but same
old pain. If we dug deeper into their histories, we’d
find a family story that supported each of these familiar
roles. A role you are destined to repeat, only
until you choose a different one.
In a situation like this, the most loving action
the man could take would be to tenderly break up with her,
to free her from the painful cycle of wanting more than she
ever receives from him. To do it with a clean
break would offer his partner the most important gift-
the gift of a new beginning.
Of course, she could also dig deep to find the strength
to give herself the greatest gift of all: Moving on, knowing
that she will never again accept less than she deserves.
This couple had different needs in terms of Comfort
with Closeness- the most pivotal of compatibility factors.
To learn more about this crucial dimension email
me and I'll send you an article that I wrote on the topic
for Savvy Singles magazine.
Action Step: Is there someone
you need to give the gift of freedom by letting them go? Or
is it time to claim your self worth and move on? Do it now,
not tomorrow. Or tomorrow can become six months from now!
Do you routinely find yourself
in relationships like the one above, where you don’t
get what you need, or where your partner’s want more
from you than you can willingly offer? Dr. Jenn specializes
in helping singles sort out these habits so that they can
create the love they deserve. Take advantage of the Relationship
Readiness Inventory today (see summer special above) and get
started down the path toward happy, healthy love.
Want to learn more about how to pick the right partner
and ditch the habits from the past that no longer work for
you? Join us for my Soulmate or Stalemate:
Six Steps to Finding Your Perfect Partner workshop
at CFU in September. Learn more here: CFU
Jealousy Good For Your Relationship?
Cosmopolitan magazine recently interviewed
me for their August edition on the topic of whether jealousy
can be good for a relationship. Jealousy is a hot topic. What
do you think?
Well, like everything, jealousy is good in moderation.
Jealousy is a sign that something you care about
could be in danger. When you use that emotion positively-
to protect your relationship- it can be a good thing. Of course
when you take that too far- it can be damaging. But as with
all emotions, what counts is what you do with it.
So what’s the best thing to do when you feel
jealous? Talk, without blame, about your feelings and perceptions
with your partner so you can protect your relationship together.
As long as you know that being overly jealous isn’t
usually an issue for you (if it is, you may need to work through
the issue with a therapist), the pangs of jealousy could be
your gut telling you that your partner is attracted to someone
There is nothing wrong with that by itself- we’re
human, and it’s going to happen in even the best of
relationships. But it is important that you don’t act
inappropriately on that attraction, and that becomes especially
important when you are around this new person on a regular
Here's where jealousy can help protect your relationship.
By going to your partner and sharing your feelings, together
you can explore if there is any need for concern. Sometimes
the partner who has a growing attraction never really realized
that it was becoming something that could threaten your bond.
You can do that by exploring some questions together:
- Are you sexually attracted
- Do you find yourself fantasizing about her/him?
- Do you feel yourself drawn to her/him emotionally?
- Have you opened up and shared really personal info with
- Has anything happened between you two that you would feel
uncomfortable telling your partner about?
You need to be honest with yourself and your partner
as you explore these questions. And if there are any yes answers
here- the couple can work together to come up with a plan
to deal with it.
Typically that involves moving away from the attractive
person. For example, by agreeing to minimize contact, by telling
your partner when there is contact, and by sharing less personal
However, if you find a developing attraction, you
may also have to take back control of your mind by consciously
directing your attention to your partner whenever you have
thoughts of the new person. In essence, you simply refuse
to go down the road that was starting to look attractive.
Action Step: The bottom
line is this: we’re all going to have attractions to
other people and sometimes our partners pick up on our emotions
and feel jealous. That’s ok because you want to use
your instincts- your jealousy- to notice when you might need
to protect your relationship. When you are in a long term
committed relationship, you need to be on the lookout for
attraction to others so you can something about it- not just
slide toward it. That’s how too many affairs start.
But when you listen to your gut and take active measures to
protect your love, it can last a lifetime.
Relation Tip: Want more
ways to protect your relationship from outside attraction?
Read about Devaluing Attractive Alternatives in
the May 2006 edition, here.
us for the September Savvy Singles Book Group
the most important information for all singles I've come across
in a long time! If you haven't found the right partner yet,
you can't afford to miss this one!
more at meetup.com
Ready for a couple checkup? Want to
strengthen or reinvigorate your relationship? Then the Prepare/Enrich
Inventory is for you!! Email
for more info or learn more here: Prepare
Do you have a topic, idea,
question, or concern you'd like to have addressed in an upcoming
Know someone who could use
a little RelationSmarts?
Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!
May your relationships bring you the happiness you
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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