Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle
Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle

Welcome to RelationSmarts!

A Dating, Mating and Relating E-Newsletter

May 7, 2007

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Tips and Tools for an Extraordinary Relationship

Every other week, we'll be delivering fresh relating tips. Let these quick ideas inspire you to create your ideal relationship! Find smart tips in these three categories:

  • Dating - Ideas on finding and keeping the perfect partner
  • Mating - Take the Passion Perks challenge and perk up your love life!
  • Relating - Tips on making your connection Extraordinary

    Does an article strike a chord or remind you of a friend's situation? Please pass Relation Smarts on! Everyone deserves to have more love in their life!



New Relationship Transition Spots: What Two "Can I be me?" Tests Can Tell You About Your True Compatibility Potential

Part Two:

Moving from Formal Dates to Couple "Me and We" Time

So things have been moving smoothly with your new relationship and you are reaching the stage where a couple of formal dates a week just doesn't feel like enough. You want to spend more time together, but you've got work to do, errands to run, housework to handle.

At this point, budding couples usually decide to try to "hang out" with each other at home while engaging in other necessary activities. In other words, it may be the first time you are together, but not focused directly on one another. Maybe you read a book, while he pays bills online, and after, you snuggle up for a video.

This is a natural progression, but not always smooth. Going from formal dates to what I call "Me and We" time, can be awkward. You know why? Because this is another example of the transition to being more of our selves. Taken out of the date night atmosphere and plunked down in our homes, we start showing more of our true selves.

So this time is another great opportunity to really gain a sense of whether you truly like this other person in his natural habitat. And after some success at home, couples usually venture out together doing errands such as food shopping, etc.

It's normal to feel somewhat uncomfortable and awkward during this transition to more personal time. But after a bit, you want to pay attention to three questions.

1. Do I feel free to really be me? Or do I still feel like I have to hide to be accepted?

2. Do I truly like the person they are revealing now that some of the walls are down?

3. Do I really enjoy the time we do odds and ends together? Do I like food shopping, folding landry, cooking, etc together, more than I like it alone?

Action Step: As you transition to more informal time spent together, be aware of your responses to the above three questions. After an initial period of adjustment, your answers should become more and more positive. True compatibility means that you are free to be yourself as you work together as a team and get enjoyment from it! If your answers aren't totally positive, it's time to take a close assessment of your budding partnership.

Relation Tip: Keep in mind that every new transition, stage, or experience you have together in a developing relationship is providing you with important data about whether this is the right person for you. Remember, dating should be the process of determining whether this is the right partnership for you. This means you must keep tuning into the data and always be open to both sides of the conclusion: yes and no, and be willing to act on that information. When we ignore it, we only postpone the inevitable.

Miss Part One? See it here: Part One: Exposing Your "Weak" Side

Not sure if your compatibility is matching up as much as needed? A single consultation session may be all you need to break out of the cycle. Email today for more info.



Mismatched Libidos?

Many couples struggle with mismatched libidos- where one partner desires sex more often than the other. And it can lead to a lot of tension, fighting, and hurt feelings. Here's the solution many sex therapists recommend:

Make love as often as the one with greater need desires, but do it the way the one with the lesser need enjoys the most.

Passion Perks Challenge: If you are in a mismatched relationship- suggest this solution to your partner and give it a try.

Relation Tip: If you've got the higher libido, don't forget to ask your partner about their preferences for the way love making is done.

Passion is important to the continued vitality of your relationship! That's why Dr. Jenn is available to come to your group (business, church, organization) to give a talk on keeping the passion alive. Email for more info.



The Policy of Undivided Attention

Most love fades away for one simple reason: we don't nourish our relationships with enough time and attention. In his book, His Needs and Her needs for Parents, psychologist Willard Harley prescribes a straightforward, time honored solution: the policy of undivided attention. According to his years as a martial therapist, he has learned that for marriages to thrive, couples need to devote a minimum of 15 hours of week together, where you give each other your full undivided attention (hint: NO children, family or friends). During this time, focus on meeting your partner's needs for affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.

While you may think that 15 hours seems impossible, especially if you have children, your relationship satisfaction depends on it. Without this time and attention, most couples end up divorced- then you'll wish you had done the simple thing: carved out 15 hours to spend with your favorite person!

Action Step: How many hours are you honestly devoting to undivided attention with your partner? Get real with yourself- no credit for time spent with kids, family or friends in tow. What do you need to do to get to 15?

Relation Tip: If your relationship has been failing or you feel disconnected, you will likely need more than 15 hours a week to get back up to speed. Pump up the time you spend enjoying each other and soon your love will blossom again.

Relation Tip: Think you can't possibly find time with your kids in the equation? Think again! You need to do it FOR THEM! They'd gladly trade less time with you AND have you stay happily married than to end up with divorced or unhappy parents. Your romantic happiness is the most important gift you can give your children!

Want to learn more? I recommend Harley's book: His Needs and Her needs for Parents.



Try a New Event!

Thursday, May 31
Happy Hour at Elway’s
Hosted by Diana Price-Fish Cancer Foundation
5:30 – 7:30 PM
$15.00 includes appetizers, one complimentary drink and LIVE music
More info:


Join us for special Savvy Singles Book Club with local Mars/Venus author Janice Hoffman!

Wed May 30th, Scooter Joes Coffee, Denver 7-9pm

Janice Hoffman, the local author of Relationship Rules, an extension of Mars/Venus philosophy, will be joining us to provide his and her tools for your relationship tool box! Get your signed copy at the meeting!

Learn more:


*NEW* Singles Resource

An online resource guide for Colorado Singles!Includes an event calendar (you can also sign up to receive it via email), referrals for area singles services, and tip of the week. Brought to you by Beth Anderson, of Cotton Wood Connection.

Learn more:

Singlocity will also be printing a hard cover version of their resources! Know any good businesses that serve singles that should be listed? Or maybe even your own business!? Contact Beth for more info: email



Coupling Connection is launching exciting new programs for engaged couples, couples expecting their first child, and couples with children! Stay tuned for more info!


* Have you tried a tip or tool from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want to hear about it!? Let us know what your experience was like. Did it improve your connection? Or no? Email us! *

Do you have a topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed in an upcoming newsletter? Email us!

Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts? Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!

May your relationships bring you the happiness you deserve,

Dr. Jenn

Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.


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