Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle
Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle

Welcome to RelationSmarts!

A Dating, Mating and Relating E-Newsletter

April 9, 2007

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Tips and Tools for an Extraordinary Relationship
 

Every other week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include helpful information in these three categories:

  • Dating - tips on finding and keeping the perfect partner
  • Mating - take the Passion Perks challenge and perk up your love life!
  • Relating - tips on making your connection Extraordinary

Be sure to scroll down and check out news of note and announcements for singles and couples! We'll be keeping you abreast of relationship happenings you may find useful.

Does an article strike a chord or remind you of a friend's situation? Please pass Relation Smarts on! Everyone deserves to have more love in their life!

RelationTip: Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary relationship, try something new today!

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Dating

The Scarcity Mindset: Hurting You More Than you Think!


But there's not enough __________! You fill in the blank. Money, time, jobs, MEN! Most of us run around with a scarcity mindset: we believe that there is simply not enough of everything to go around. Basically, we are taught to think like this as kids by our well meaning parents: "No you can't have that," "You can't go do that with your friends," "I don't care if all your friends have it, we can't afford it." These early "no you can't" messages echo into the future and become our own internal voices: "You'll never get into that school," "You're not good enough for that job," "She's out of your league," "There aren't any good men left." It's not true by the way, I just met several the other week! But anyway, we are bombarded with a lifetime of negative messages about the LACK of things in our world (from our parents, peers, media, you name it). So- what starts to happen? Discouraged, we give up- sometimes before we even start! And often after only a few tries.

But most of the time- this perceived scarcity is just that- a perception- not reality. However, when we ACT in accordance with the illusion of scarcity- I hate to say it- but frequently- we'll create it. Basically, we create whatever we believe. Believe there are no good men out there? You'll only meet jerks. Think all women just want your money? All the women you meet will be gold diggers. Sucks, doesn't it?

Fortunately, there's something you can do about it. This scarcity mindset is fueled by three things: limitations, doubts, and fears- all perceived, not necessarily real. You need to ferret out which of these negative self messages are most powerful for you and CHANGE them. Maybe you've bought into a limitation others have imposed: "Well, the newspaper says that there is only 1 man for every 5 women my age." Perhaps a self doubt is haunting you: "Attractive women only go out with my friends, not me." Or, is a fear getting in your way?: "If I let myself fall for him, he'll leave me- I better push him away."

When we have limiting beliefs like these operating- they directly affect what we DO and how we ACT. Right? If you believe there aren't enough men, why bother- you'll stay home and eat ice cream. If you "know" attractive women won't ever pick you, you won't even approach them. If you think you're not worthy of his love, you'll act insecure or stand-off-ish and he will end up leaving you.

But you can make a different choice.

Action Step: Whenever you find yourself up against a limiting self belief that fuels your scarcity thinking- ask yourself two key questions:

1) What is this belief grounded in? What is the hard evidence that it's true?

2) How does it serve me to think this way?

A lot of the time your "belief" won't be grounded in reality- just in a fear or doubt. And even if you can find solid evidence to "prove" your belief- 99% of the time you'll have to admit that it isn't helping you get where you want to go ...instead it gets you depressed, anxious, and frozen- NOT moving toward your goal. It's serving to keep you stuck- but safe.

So your job is to transform the limitation, doubt, and fear into an affirmation that will work FOR you. When you do this- you'll stay on the path toward creating the love you deserve!

Examples:

So what if there is only 1 man for every 5 women my age! I'm going to go find that one because he deserves me!

I deserve an attractive women because I have lots to offer her. I'm going to go introduce myself.

Everyone is worthy of a beautiful loving relationship, I am going to take a chance and open my heart to this person- he seems like a great and caring guy- it' s worth the risk.

Getting stuck in the vicious cycle of scarcity thinking and having trouble rooting out your limiting beliefs? A single consultation session may be all you need to break out of the cycle. Email today for more info.

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Mating


Passion Perks Challenge:

Every day this week, kiss your partner like you really mean it! No quick smooches or pecks on the cheek. Kiss!

Passion is important to the continued vitality of your relationship! That's why Dr. Jenn is available to come to your group (business, church, organization) to give a talk on keeping the passion alive. Email for more info.

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Relating

The Quickest Fix for Conflict

Ok, your partner is being a jerk. They are tired, it's been a bad day, they are in a rotten mood, whatever. And they are taking it out on you. And you are about to dish it right back at 'em. Fair is fair, right?

Hold on. Not so fast. How are you going to feel when you are being a jerk too? And how's that going to help the relationship? While it might feel good for a split second when you give the same that you are getting, in your heart, you know it takes two to tango and that two wrongs definitely don't make anyone happy. Ultimately- when you are a jerk back- you'll feel bad and the interaction will spiral down from there.

The quickest way to get back on track is to ask yourself: Am I acting like the person/partner I want to be? If not, what can I do to act like that person?

The authors of a new book, How to Improve Your Relationship Without Talking About It, suggest that the best way to get back to being the person you want to be is to do one or more of four things. Take a deep breath, and...

Improve: Ask yourself: what can I do to make this situation just a little better?

Appreciate: What can I do to show my partner I value them?

Connect:What can I do to genuinely care about my partner's emotional state?

Protect: How can I protect my partner from the bad feelings they are having now?

By taking a time out to remind yourself of what kind of person you want to be (a loving, warm, caring, supportive, protective partner) - you can immediately stop a downward spiral and turn it into a moment that strengthens your relationship.

Action Step: The next time you are about ready to give tit for tat (and we all do this- it's the natural human response to react to a negative by being negative yourself)- stop and choose a behavior that will bring you closer together, not further apart.

Relation Tip: It only takes one person to improve a relationship: YOU!

Want to learn more? I highly recommend Pat Love's and Steven Stosny's new book: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Gives a great, new perspective on the age old problem of the differences between men and women.

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NEWS FOR SINGLES

Enjoy golf?

Try the new Mulligan Mixer Singles Golf League- Wednesdays from 5-9pm at Mira Vista Golf Course at Lowry. Two men will be paired with two women and a Golf Host to help you learn the game. Followed by drinks and snacks.

April 11- June 13 and June 26-Aug 29

$25 memberships plus $19 per payer each wednesday

Email Jake Flint for more info: rjflint@qwest.net or call 303-321-3212

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Join us next week for Savvy Singles Book Club

Monday April 16th, Scooter Joes Coffee, Denver 7-9pm

Topic: The Real Reason It Never Works Out

Featuring the book discussed in this week's Relating article. Learn more: http://bookclub.meetup.com/537/

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Soulmate or Stalemate Workshop

Join us for this powerful workshop next up on Tuesday April 24th, 6:30-9pm, Colorado Free University. Enroll for Soulmate or Stalemate? here.

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*NEW* Singles Resource

An online resource guide for Colorado Singles!Includes an event calendar (you can also sign up to receive it via email), referrals for area singles services, and tip of the week. Brought to you by Beth Anderson, of Cotton Wood Connection.

Learn more: www.singleocity.com

Singlocity will also be printing a hard cover version of their resources! Know any good businesses that serve singles that should be listed? Or maybe even your own business!? Contact Beth for more info: email

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The Soulmate Revolution 2007!

Are you serious about finding a life partner? Then join Coupling Connection and other like-minded singles in *NEW* fun, effective, and life changing programs designed to make 2007 the year you find your soulmate! Now is the time! The relationship you've been waiting for IS out there. Are you ready???

There's a program or service for every stage of dating and budget: Soulmate Revolution

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NEWS FOR COUPLES

Powerful Short Cuts To Connection

Staring January 2007, Coupling Connection is offering personalized, small group programs for couples who are ready to ignite their love and keep the passion alive. Focused on shortcuts to real connection for busy couples- get a group of your friends together and support each other in building a lifetime of love! More info coming soon!

After the honeymoon phase of a relationship, with kids, careers, and stress, women often lose touch with their inner vixen. Dr. Jenn is available to come speak to your women's group about reigniting your inner vixen! Learn how bringing out your passion can suddenly turn your man into Prince Charming: talking more, taking out the garbage, and putting the kids to bed! Email for more info!

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* Have you tried a tip or tool from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want to hear about it!? Let us know what your experience was like. Did it improve your connection? Or no? Email us! *

Do you have a topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed in an upcoming newsletter? Email us!

Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts? Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!

May your relationships bring you the happiness you deserve,

Dr. Jenn

Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.

www.couplingconnection.com

720-284-8502

coupling@couplingconnection.com

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