other week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating
tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire
you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include
helpful information in these three categories:
- Dating - tips on finding and keeping the perfect
- Mating - take the Passion Perks challenge and
perk up your love life!
- Relating - tips on making your connection Extraordinary
Be sure to scroll down and
check out news of note and announcements for singles and couples!
We'll be keeping you abreast of relationship happenings
you may find useful.
Does an article strike a chord
or remind you of a friend's situation? Please pass Relation
Smarts on! Everyone deserves to have more love in their life!
Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research
shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within
two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary
relationship, try something new today!
Scarcity Mindset: Hurting You More Than you Think!
But there's not enough __________! You fill in the
blank. Money, time, jobs, MEN! Most of us run around with
a scarcity mindset: we believe that there is simply not enough
of everything to go around. Basically, we are taught
to think like this as kids by our well meaning parents: "No
you can't have that," "You can't go do that with
your friends," "I don't care if all your friends
have it, we can't afford it." These early "no you
can't" messages echo into the future and become our own
internal voices: "You'll never get into that school,"
"You're not good enough for that job," "She's
out of your league," "There aren't any good men
left." It's not true by the way, I just met several the
other week! But anyway, we are bombarded with a lifetime of
negative messages about the LACK of things in our world (from
our parents, peers, media, you name it). So- what starts to
happen? Discouraged, we give up- sometimes before we even
start! And often after only a few tries.
But most of the time- this perceived scarcity is
just that- a perception- not reality. However, when we ACT
in accordance with the illusion of scarcity- I hate to say
it- but frequently- we'll create it. Basically, we create
whatever we believe. Believe there are no good men out there?
You'll only meet jerks. Think all women just want your money?
All the women you meet will be gold diggers. Sucks, doesn't
Fortunately, there's something you can do about it.
This scarcity mindset is fueled by three things: limitations,
doubts, and fears- all perceived, not necessarily real.
You need to ferret out which of these negative self messages
are most powerful for you and CHANGE them. Maybe you've bought
into a limitation others have
imposed: "Well, the newspaper says that there is only
1 man for every 5 women my age." Perhaps a self doubt
is haunting you: "Attractive women only go out with my
friends, not me." Or, is a fear
getting in your way?: "If I let myself fall for him,
he'll leave me- I better push him away."
When we have limiting beliefs like these operating-
they directly affect what we DO and how we ACT. Right? If
you believe there aren't enough men, why bother- you'll stay
home and eat ice cream. If you "know" attractive
women won't ever pick you, you won't even approach them. If
you think you're not worthy of his love, you'll act insecure
or stand-off-ish and he will end up leaving you.
But you can make a different choice.
Action Step: Whenever
you find yourself up against a limiting self belief that fuels
your scarcity thinking- ask yourself two key questions:
1) What is this belief grounded in? What is the hard
evidence that it's true?
2) How does it serve
me to think this way?
A lot of the time your "belief" won't be
grounded in reality- just in a fear or doubt. And even if
you can find solid evidence to "prove" your belief-
99% of the time you'll have to admit that it isn't helping
you get where you want to go ...instead it gets you depressed,
anxious, and frozen- NOT moving toward your goal. It's serving
to keep you stuck- but safe.
So your job is to transform the limitation, doubt,
and fear into an affirmation that will work FOR you. When
you do this- you'll stay on the path toward creating the love
So what if there is only 1 man for every 5 women
my age! I'm going to go find that one because he deserves
I deserve an attractive women because I have lots
to offer her. I'm going to go introduce myself.
Everyone is worthy of a beautiful loving relationship,
I am going to take a chance and open my heart to this person-
he seems like a great and caring guy- it' s worth the risk.
Getting stuck in the vicious
cycle of scarcity thinking and having trouble rooting out
your limiting beliefs? A single consultation session may be
all you need to break out of the cycle.
Email today for more info.
Passion Perks Challenge:
Every day this week, kiss your partner like you really
mean it! No quick smooches or pecks on the cheek. Kiss!
Passion is important
to the continued vitality of your relationship! That's why
Dr. Jenn is available to come to your group (business, church,
organization) to give a talk on keeping the passion alive.
for more info.
Quickest Fix for Conflict
your partner is being a jerk. They are tired, it's been a
bad day, they are in a rotten mood, whatever. And they are
taking it out on you. And you are about to dish it right back
at 'em. Fair is fair, right?
on. Not so fast. How are you going to feel when you are being
a jerk too? And how's that going to help the relationship?
While it might feel good for a split second when you give
the same that you are getting, in your heart, you know it
takes two to tango and that two wrongs definitely don't make
anyone happy. Ultimately- when you are a jerk back- you'll
feel bad and the interaction will spiral down from there.
quickest way to get back on track is to ask yourself: Am I
acting like the person/partner I want to be? If not, what
can I do to act like that person?
authors of a new book, How to Improve
Your Relationship Without Talking About It, suggest
that the best way to get back to being the person you want
to be is to do one or more of four things. Take a deep breath,
Ask yourself: what
can I do to make this situation just a little better?
What can I do to show my partner I value them?
can I do to genuinely care about my partner's emotional state?
How can I protect my
partner from the bad feelings they are having now?
a time out to remind yourself of what kind of person you want
to be (a loving, warm, caring, supportive, protective partner)
- you can immediately stop a downward spiral and turn it into
a moment that strengthens your relationship.
Action Step: The
next time you are about ready to give tit for tat (and we
all do this- it's the natural human response to react to a
negative by being negative yourself)- stop and choose a behavior
that will bring you closer together, not further apart.
Relation Tip: It only
takes one person to improve a relationship: YOU!
Want to learn more? I highly recommend Pat Love's
and Steven Stosny's new book: How to Improve Your Marriage
Without Talking About It. Gives a great, new perspective on
the age old problem of the differences between men and women.
Try the new Mulligan Mixer Singles
Golf League- Wednesdays from 5-9pm at Mira Vista Golf Course
at Lowry. Two men will be paired with two women and a Golf
Host to help you learn the game. Followed by drinks and snacks.
April 11- June
13 and June 26-Aug 29
$25 memberships plus $19 per payer
Email Jake Flint for more info: email@example.com
or call 303-321-3212
Join us next week
for Savvy Singles Book Club
Monday April 16th,
Scooter Joes Coffee, Denver 7-9pm
Topic: The Real Reason
It Never Works Out
Featuring the book
discussed in this week's Relating article. Learn more: http://bookclub.meetup.com/537/
or Stalemate Workshop
Join us for this
powerful workshop next up on Tuesday April 24th, 6:30-9pm,
Colorado Free University. Enroll for
Soulmate or Stalemate? here.
An online resource guide for Colorado
Singles!Includes an event calendar (you can
also sign up to receive it via email), referrals for area
singles services, and tip of the week. Brought to you by Beth
Anderson, of Cotton Wood Connection.
Learn more: www.singleocity.com
Singlocity will also be printing a
hard cover version of their resources! Know any good businesses
that serve singles that should be listed? Or maybe even your
own business!? Contact Beth for more info: email
Soulmate Revolution 2007!
you serious about finding a life partner? Then join Coupling
Connection and other like-minded singles in *NEW* fun, effective,
and life changing programs designed to make 2007 the year
you find your soulmate! Now is the time! The relationship
you've been waiting for IS out
there. Are you ready???
a program or service for every stage of dating and budget:
Short Cuts To Connection
Staring January 2007, Coupling Connection
is offering personalized, small group programs for couples
who are ready to ignite their love and keep the passion alive.
Focused on shortcuts to real connection for busy couples-
get a group of your friends together and support each other
in building a lifetime of love! More info coming soon!
After the honeymoon
phase of a relationship, with kids, careers, and stress, women
often lose touch with their inner vixen. Dr. Jenn is available
to come speak to your women's group about reigniting your
inner vixen! Learn how bringing out your passion can suddenly
turn your man into Prince Charming: talking more, taking out
the garbage, and putting the kids to bed! Email
for more info!
* Have you tried a tip or tool
from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want to hear about
it!? Let us know what your experience was like. Did it improve
your connection? Or no?
Email us! *
Do you have a
topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed
in an upcoming newsletter? Email
Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts?
Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!
May your relationships bring you the happiness you
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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