other week, we'll be delivering fresh relating
tips. Let these quick ideas inspire you to create your ideal
relationship! Find smart tips in these three categories:
- Dating - Ideas on finding and keeping the perfect
- Mating - Take the Passion Perks challenge and
perk up your love life!
- Relating - Tips on making your connection Extraordinary
Be sure to scroll down and
check out news of note and announcements for singles and couples!
We'll be keeping you abreast of relationship happenings
you may find useful.
Does an article strike a chord
or remind you of a friend's situation? Please pass Relation
Smarts on! Everyone deserves to have more love in their life!
Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research
shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within
two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary
relationship, try something new today!
Relationship Transition Spots: What Two "Can I be me?"
Tests Tell You About Your True Compatibility Potential
One: Exposing Your "Weak" Side
Ah, the heady bliss of those beginning
weeks of a love relationship. You're perfect. He's perfect.
Well, maybe not so much, but you sure are working to put your
best side forward...so far, your flaws have remained hidden.
Then one week, it happens. You have
a totally sucky day and you can't hide it. Maybe you don't
want to hide it anymore. Good for you. Now is the perfect
testing time: how will my new partner handle it when I show
my vulnerability and need support?
After all, if you choose to be with
this person, they need to be able to accept you through the
ups and downs, and you need to accept them. Until you get
to this phase- your real comparability hasn't even begun to
be tested. And we are often led astray by the more superficial
similarities we've seen thus far. But without an ability to
accept, tolerate, and support each other's habitual way of
coping with emotions- your connection can't and shouldn't
So, pay very close attention to your
partner's response the first time you let more of your not-so-confident,
not-so-happy self hang out.
Let's see an example. A while back I
was dating a guy I thought could be "The One." Then
a horrible day came when I got some really bad news from my
training program that affected my future plans. I was devastated,
and really crying. And rightly so, according to me, but not
according to my new partner, who
promptly said "I can't be
with someone who's going to be so negative!"
on a minute, I thought- "Isn't a girl entitled to blow
through one box of tissues before having to pull it together?
After all, I just got this news today- not three weeks ago."
But to him, my display of negative emotion was threatening,
so he perceived that as weak, and lost some respect for me.
And to me, his judgmental attitude and lack of support was
almost as upsetting as the bad news itself.
So what did I
learn: A big WHOA! He can't accept ME. We don't have the same
beliefs about emotions and how to cope. If you are missing
that type of compatibility, can you imagine how impossible
it would be to face the everyday world together?
Now fast forward
to my fiance and the first time he found me crying in my soup.
I had just received some heartbreaking news: I had to give
away my injured horse. I was sobbing like a baby, and a bit
embarrassed about making this display of emotion- after all-
could he accept me the way I am? Know what he said? "Of
course you are crying. Anyone would be upset in that situation,"
then he moved over and held me until I had used up my box
of tissues. I felt a huge sigh of relief. Then I felt better
and together we faced the problem.
So what did I learn? Here is a man who
can accept my negative emotions, who is comfortable with the
way I express them, and is willing to support me through them.
When you have a partner like that by your side, together you
can conquer anything! That's the power
of being accepted the way you are- warts and all.
Action Step: After an
initial period of being on your "best behavior"
don't be afraid to show your vulnerable side and ask for the
support you need. Your partner's response will give you a
lot of useful information about whether your relationship
has the power to stand the test of time.
Relation Tip: If your
partner "fails" the initial "test," give
them the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people need to be
educated about how to be most helpful when we are upset. We
are all different and often there is a learning curve in a
new relationship. So, after the emotions have passed, talk
to them about what you need from them in moments like that.
However, if after several incidents, you are still not getting
the acceptance and support you need, DON'T
IGNORE this critical information. This is a sign that
your previous experiences with emotions, your family histories,
your beliefs, and expectations do not mesh well. Without compatibility
in this area, a relationship will not succeed. Take a careful
inventory and decide if you need to move on.
Next time: Part Two- Moving
from Formal Dates to Couple "Me and We" Time
Not sure if your new partner's
beliefs about coping and emotions are compatible with yours?
A single consultation session may be all you need to break
out of the cycle.
Email today for more info.
Passion Perks Challenge:
Imagine Your Way to Pleasure
Not in the mood but know it would be a good idea
to reconnect with your partner physically? Then get started
thinking some sexy thoughts! Research shows that the brain
responds to thinking about sex almost identically as engaging
Challenge: Next time
you wish you were in the mood- use your imagination to jump
start desire by thinking about your favorite steamy scene.
It'll heighten your arousal, help get you in the mood, and
make the real experience more pleasurable!
Relation Tip: Want to
surprise your man when he comes home? Do this exercise before
he arrives and win him over with your inner vixen!
Passion is important
to the continued vitality of your relationship! That's why
Dr. Jenn is available to come to your group (business, church,
organization) to give a talk on keeping the passion alive.
for more info.
a Little Selfish!!
Being selfish is usually considered
a no-no in relationships. But here's a little twist on it
that can really help transform tension into connection!
You KNOW that being angry and resentful
towards each other isn't helping anything, but you just can't
seem to let go? Here's a strategy to help transform your negative
emotions into positive momentum.
That's right. Your emotional pain isn't
a punishment, it's a signal to take corrective action- to
make YOURSELF FEEL BETTER!
You can't feel better if all you do
is focus on your partner's bad behavior. But you can feel
better if you start focusing on YOU. In their new book, Dr.'s
Pat Love and Stephen Stosny suggest the following.
*First, look beneath those hot, angry
emotions and ask yourself what more vulnerable feeling you
are experiencing...is it sad, scared, lonely, rejected?*
Then take responsibility for feeling
better by placing your focus on what's best for YOU. To transform
anger, the authors suggest you move through acknowledging
the following statements:
My emotional well-being
is important to me. (i.e. Thus holding onto resentment
won't help me)
My emotional well-being
is more important than everything I resent. (i.e. You'd
rather be happy than right, wouldn't you?)
My emotional well-being
is more important than anyone else's bad behavior.
(i.e. When you affirm this- you take the power back- you don't
let other people's behavior control you)
is more important than everything I resent and worthy of appreciation,
time, energy, effort, and sacrifice. (Since love is
so important to my happiness, working on making this relationship
*better* is what will help me feel better)
Now that you've gotten selfish- you're
clear about what YOU need to feel better: to let go of the
anger and move toward connection. Do this putting yourself
in your partner's shoes and now asking the first question
about your partner: Beneath those hot,
angry emotions what more vulnerable feeling are they likely
experiencing...is it sad, scared, lonely, rejected?
Now, respond to your partner with compassion
for the vulnerability that they are really showing you.
Action Step: When
there's anger, hurt, and resentment, someone's got to go first
in letting it go. Use this technique to move beyond the angry
emotions and reconnect- after all- that's what will
make you feel better!
Relation Tip: Read Love
and Stosny's How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking
About It for more details!
NEWS FOR SINGLES
us next month for Savvy Singles Book Club
Wed May 30th, Scooter
Joes Coffee, Denver 7-9pm
Janice Hoffman, the
local author of Relationship Rules, an extension of Mars/Venus
philosophy, will be joining us to provide his and her tools
for your relationship tool box! Get your signed copy at the
Learn more: http://bookclub.meetup.com/537/
An online resource guide for Colorado
Singles!Includes an event calendar (you can
also sign up to receive it via email), referrals for area
singles services, and tip of the week. Brought to you by Beth
Anderson, of Cotton Wood Connection.
Learn more: www.singleocity.com
Singlocity will also be printing a
hard cover version of their resources! Know any good businesses
that serve singles that should be listed? Or maybe even your
own business!? Contact Beth for more info: email
Soulmate Revolution 2007!
you serious about finding a life partner? Then join Coupling
Connection and other like-minded singles in *NEW* fun, effective,
and life changing programs designed to make 2007 the year
you find your soulmate! Now is the time! The relationship
you've been waiting for IS out
there. Are you ready???
a program or service for every stage of dating and budget:
Short Cuts To Connection
Staring January 2007, Coupling Connection
is offering personalized, small group programs for couples
who are ready to ignite their love and keep the passion alive.
Focused on shortcuts to real connection for busy couples-
get a group of your friends together and support each other
in building a lifetime of love! More info coming soon!
After the honeymoon
phase of a relationship, with kids, careers, and stress, women
often lose touch with their inner vixen. Dr. Jenn is available
to come speak to your women's group about reigniting your
inner vixen! Learn how bringing out your passion can suddenly
turn your man into Prince Charming: talking more, taking out
the garbage, and putting the kids to bed! Email
for more info!
* Have you tried a tip or tool
from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want to hear about
it!? Let us know what your experience was like. Did it improve
your connection? Or no?
Email us! *
Do you have a
topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed
in an upcoming newsletter? Email
Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts?
Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!
May your relationships bring you the happiness you
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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