other week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating
tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire
you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include
helpful information in these three categories:
- Dating - tips on finding and keeping the perfect
- Mating - take the Passion Perks challenge and
perk up your love life!
- Relating - tips on making your connection Extraordinary
Be sure to scroll down and
check out news of note and announcements for singles and couples!
We'll be keeping you abreast of relationship happenings
you may find useful.
Does an article strike a chord
or remind you of a friend's situation? Please pass Relation
Smarts on! Everyone deserves to have more love in their life!
Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research
shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within
two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary
relationship, try something new today!
Super Glue of the Relationship Universe
It’s an age-old question: “Just what does
she see in him?!” or “How can he stay with her--
she treats him so badly!?” But, we see it all the time,
nice people putting up with nasty behavior from their partners.
It’s a painful, maddening, and perplexing dilemma.
So, why do we do it when we know we deserve better?
There is a simple reason that affects us all: intermittent
reinforcement. Remember that white mouse from your Psychology
101 class? When a mouse is trained to push a lever for a reward
(such as food), he learns best if he
gets the food only some of the time, not all of the
time. It may be counterintuitive (and not very nice), but
the best way to teach any behavior
is to reward someone only randomly when he performs the action.
Since the mouse never knows when the reward is coming, and
he really wants that treat, he’ll keep pressing away
at the lever all day long. When a behavior is learned this
way, it becomes a strong habit and is
highly resistant to extinction, that is, he’ll
keep performing the behavior for a long time even without
any reward. Kind of like super glue – once stuck, it
just keeps on sticking.
Well that sucks for the mouse, but what does it have
to do with dating? Unfortunately, these learning principles
apply to people the same as mice. The power of intermittent
reinforcement is a scientifically proven fact! If
someone treats us well only part of the time,we are very likely
to keep coming back for more. As long as our partner
treats us nicely at least part of the time, we have the
hope that they will treat us well more of the time.
Their good behavior creates an expectation, an anxious anticipation,
of the next time we’ll get positive attention. So we
wait for the next “hit” of good behavior. It’s
as addictive as cocaine!
Sadly, we all know how this story goes. You will
put up with this up and down behavior for months, driving
yourself crazy. The good news is, unlike poor Mr. Mouse who
does not have higher thinking, YOU, as a more evolved species,
have the power to recognize this negative pattern and the
ability to exercise willpower to change it. You do not have
to be a slave to learned habits. You have a choice.
Action Step: The next
time you are in this situation, ask yourself one question:
Do I really deserve to be treated well only one out of ten
times? Of course not! You deserve to be treated well 9.9 times
out of 10 (sometimes people slip up). Insist on being treated
well and if your partner can't or simply won't comply...it's
time to move on.
Relation Tip: Putting
up with hot/cold behavior from anyone is dangerous for two
reasons. One, when you allow others to treat you poorly, you
are telling yourself: “I am not worthy of being treated
well all of the time. I do not deserve more.” Do this
very often and your self esteem will bottom out. Two, you
get what you insist on. People will treat you however you
allow them to treat you. If you don’t insist on good
behavior, you probably won’t get it. Make your standards
higher and be prepared to walk away. That's the only way to
find your perfect partner.
Relation Tip: Intermittent
reinforcement works in ALL of our interactions, including
with our friends, co-workers, family, and kids. Be on the
look out for it in all of your relationships and start setting
boundaries that lead to happy relating!
Singles- Check out the Relating
article below for an important discussion that can help you
pick the right kind of partner!
Getting stuck in the vicious
cycle of intermittent reinforcement? A single consultation
session may be all you need to break out of the cycle.
Email today for more info.
Start Your Woman's Desire with the Three
Keys to Connection
Ever wonder where your woman's desire disappeared
to? Well, it's an often forgotten fact that women NEED to
feel connected BEFORE they become interested in sex. So, if
you'd like to boost your women's libido- your job
is to meet her needs for three types of connection: body,
heart, and mind. She needs to feel connected with you on all
three levels on a consistent
basis before you'll find her "in the mood."
This week, we'll focus on the body. First
things first: Women think touch
is for connection. They resent when it’s used primarily
for sex. With that in mind, your woman wants to:
1. Be touched without ANY expectation
of it becoming sexual
- So don’t only touch her when you want sex…touch
her all of the time!
2. Be touched outside the bedroom
- When woman only feel “seen” by you in the bedroom,
they turn off emotionally. So show that you notice them in
the kitchen, in the grocery store, at the kids’ games,
3. Have supportive touch
- Offer a supportive touch by holding hands, touching the
small of her back, or her shoulder. Use these to connect with
her silently in public or when she’s having a tough
4. Meeting and Parting
- Women need to reconnect before and after your absence- don’t
forget a warm hug and lasting kiss right before you leave
and when you return.
5. Have a slow build up sexually
- Notice how all of the other touch we’ve mentioned
isn’t sexual? That’s the proportion of touch that
should be sexual- 90% non-sexual-10% sexual. When it does
come time for the sensual play- you must move slowly. On average,
women’s bodies take MUCH longer to heat up. Foreplay
should be your mantra- use teasing, gentle, slow touch in
the erogenous zones (neck, lips, ears, belly, etc) BEFORE
moving in for more direct touch. When her body is warmed up,
she’ll be much more responsive! Which will make you
Remember, a woman can smell a man angling for sex
a mile away! To connect with her body most successfully, you
• To work all levels, all the
time, starting from least intimate to most intimate
• To work at her pace
• To be sincere.
Passion Perks Challenge: This
time around, practice connecting with your woman's body. Then
to keep the passion alive, work on connecting with her body,
heart, and mind consistently. Passion requires effort...but
it's not rocket science, put in the work (come on, it's not
really work)- get the reward!
Passion is important
to the continued vitality of your relationship! That's why
Dr. Jenn is available to come to your men's group (business,
church, organization) to give a talk on Getting to Yes! Email
for more info.
Want more ideas on
reigniting the passion? Check out this article on www.sheknows.com.
Dr. Jenn was quoted at the end of the piece: Reignite
There for Each Other Through Thick and Thin: Why One Country
"Love" song Isn't Really About Love At All
Love Myth Advocated By The Media
a popular new country "love" song out now. Maybe
you've heard it. It's called I'll Wait
For You by Joe Nichols (scroll down
to see lyrics
. It's being heralded as one of the most beautiful
love songs, making people cry their eyes out all over the
country. It made me cry all right- but for a very different
reason than everyone else. Then it made me mad and that's
why I'm writing about it.
the gist of the lyrics: There's this husband and wife who
supposedly love each other tremendously. Only problem? He's
never around for the important occasions (sounds like he might
be a traveling rodeo cowboy). So what tact has his wife taken?
Don't worry, I'll wait for you, honey. Well, she waits for
him for decades, during which time he misses untold number
of Christmas dinners, the birth of their first child, and
now for the kicker....she even dies
alone...WAITING for him.
But what does she have to say about
ain' nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you"
So now she's stuck waiting at heaven's
gate for a "sweetheart" who apparently made everything
else a higher priority the entire time they were married.
Hardly sounds like true love to me! Sounds
like a martyr of a woman who put up with a lifetime of being
alone when it mattered. Are you telling me that it never really
bothered her, when time after time, he didn't keep his word
about being home when it counted?? When she, their kids, and
the entire family were given the "gift" of his absence
more often than his presence? THAT is NOT the description
of what true love looks like.
Yet- if you watch TV, go to the movies,
read novels, and especially if you listen to music- you'll
get this lopsided picture of relationships presented as real
love all the time ....lulling us into a belief that unrequited
love, unreliable love, uncommitted love is what LOVE is all
about. Oh, the highs, the lows- the addiction to the drama
of it all- it sure is exciting, but it isn't love.
And it makes me angry that we hold up
this broken vision of what love should be ...because we're
becoming brainwashed about the type of love we should be striving
for. It means we are teaching ourselves
and our children to accept love that hurts over love that
heals and grows.
Of course, it is YOUR choice to be in
a relationship where you are clearly priority number 2, 3,or
4. Perhaps that's enough for some people. Clearly it was for
the woman in this song. Perhaps she was used to pining away
for a partner who was always out of reach because she had
that in childhood so this felt like love to her. But make
that choice at your own peril, knowing that you are missing
out on what full, healthy, mature love is all about. And
PLEASE- DON'T hold up that image of love as IDEAL.
So, yeah, this song made me cry. But
I was crying because it was such a sad story, of one woman
waiting her whole life for the man she "loved"...who
couldn't even be there for her when she died. And what about
all those people out there crying because it's such a touching
love song, because they long for that kind of love? Well,
I cry for them too, because I want more for them then the
broken American "dream of love" that our media currently
Action Step: Are
you in a relationship like the one depicted in this song?
Is it what you really want? What you deserve? Set boundaries
now that reflect your true needs and if your partner can't
or won't step up to the plate...then seek some help to determine
if this is really the right relationship for you. After all,
you don't really want to die alone do you!!??
Relation Tip: From a
young age, begin a dialogue with your kids about the images
of love they see in the media. Challenge them to see beyond
the misrepresentations and have frank discussions about the
nature of true love. Does your child really like some media
(show, song, game, etc) with a distorted view of love? Talk
with them about why they like it, see how they identify with
the characters, help them reach for real love.
4 week Finding the One Dating Support Groups
early April, Lakewood
Learn more: Group
Jenn In the News X2!
Dr. Jenn appeared on Denver's
Channel 7 ABC morning news to talk about Dump Your Significant
Jerk Week and how her workshop can help singles finally break
free from the patterns of the past. See the video here: Dump
Your Significant Jerk Week
Or check out the article that
ran in the Longmont FYI newspaper about how her unique approach
to dating and relating can help singles and couples.
Read it: here
Join us for the above featured
workshop next up on Tuesday April 24th, 6:30-9pm, Colorado
Free University. Enroll for
Soulmate or Stalemate? here.
An online resource guide for Colorado
Singles!Includes an event calendar (you can
also sign up to receive it via email), referrals for area
singles services, and tip of the week. Brought to you by Beth
Anderson, of Cotton Wood Connection.
Learn more: www.singleocity.com
Singlocity will also be printing a
hard cover version of their resources! Know any good businesses
that serve singles that should be listed? Or maybe even your
own business!? Contact Beth for more info: email
Soulmate Revolution 2007!
you serious about finding a life partner? Then join Coupling
Connection and other like-minded singles in *NEW* fun, effective,
and life changing programs designed to make 2007 the year
you find your soulmate! Now is the time! The relationship
you've been waiting for IS out
there. Are you ready???
a program or service for every stage of dating and budget:
Short Cuts To Connection
Staring January 2007, Coupling Connection
is offering personalized, small group programs for couples
who are ready to ignite their love and keep the passion alive.
Focused on shortcuts to real connection for busy couples-
get a group of your friends together and support each other
in building a lifetime of love! More info coming soon!
After the honeymoon
phase of a relationship, with kids, careers, and stress, women
often lose touch with their inner vixen. Dr. Jenn is available
to come speak to your women's group about reigniting your
inner vixen! Learn how bringing out your passion can suddenly
turn your man into Prince Charming: talking more, taking out
the garbage, and putting the kids to bed! Email
for more info!
* Have you tried a tip or tool
from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want to hear about
it!? Let us know what your experience was like. Did it improve
your connection? Or no?
Email us! *
Do you have a
topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed
in an upcoming newsletter? Email
Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts?
Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!
May your relationships bring you the happiness you
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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