Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle
Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle

Welcome to RelationSmarts!

A Dating, Mating and Relating E-Newsletter

August 28, 2006

About Us
Services For Singles
Services For Couples
Free E-Newsletter
Ask Dr. Jenn
Contact Us
Tips and Tools for an Extraordinary Relationship

Every other week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include helpful information in these three categories:

  • Dating – tips on finding and keeping the perfect partner
  • Mating – take the Passion Perks challenge and perk up your love life!
  • Relating – tips on making your connection Extraordinary

Be sure to scroll down and check out news of note and announcements for singles and couples! We'll be keeping you abreast of relationship happenings you may find useful.

SINGLES! Lots of new exciting opportunities for upcoming programs and events! Don't Miss out!! See below for details...

Does an article strike a chord or remind you of a friend's situation? Please pass Relation Smarts on! Everyone deserves to have more love in their life!

RelationTip: Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary relationship, try something new today!


* Join us TONIGHT for *FREE* Coaching Call *

Date Smart! Keys to Dating Smarter, Not Harder

The Three Dumbest Mistakes Even Smart Daters Make

Monday August 28th, 7pm, Mountain Time (9 pm eastern)

RSVP by Email requested, but not required.

To participate, at 7pm tonight call: (712) 580-0600
Participant Access Code: 356899#



Break Ups: Pain or Suffering? It’s your Choice!
The Power of Accepting the Unacceptable

Breakups are known for the painful suffering involved. Of course there is going to be pain, there has been a loss that needs to be grieved. But most of us aggravate this pain and turn it into true suffering by failing to accept reality 100%. Think about how many hours our minds spend going over and over the if only's, it shoulda been’s, and it coulda been’s. This keeps us holding onto some reality that just isn’t true (and sends some of us back to try again!). But- you won't be able to move on until you fully accept the ONLY fact that matters: Your ex isn't The One and never will be The One because they didn't chose you. Period. Why would you want someone who isn't choosing you?- even if EVERYTHING else is PERFECT- that one fact ALONE- is the deal breaker.

Here’s an example. Recently I had to shop for horses again- and I hate it. It’s like going back to online dating- really! I had been searching for a few weeks and I thought I had found The One. Next, I had the horse vetted- and it failed. Not only a little failure- but the horse was obviously lame. So I had to move on. But over the next month, I had such a hard time finding another prospect that I kept lamenting, "I wish she had passed the vetting, she was so The One. She was SO what I was looking for. We'd be having so much fun by now, etc". And it was my boyfriend who kept thankfully bringing me back to reality with "Yeah, but she was LAME- SO WHO CARES IF SHE WAS PERFECT IN EVERY OTHER WAY!"

It's the same for breakups- your ex may have been close to perfect in every other way- EXCEPT the thing that matters most: they don’t want to be with you. That's the deal breaker, my friend. And nothing else matters.

Action Step: The next time you break up, stop torturing yourself with all that was good about the relationship, and every time your brain goes down that road- say to yourself "Stop! Obviously, they aren’t The One. And when I do find The One- they are going to be EVEN better!" Focus on repeating this fact to yourself and accepting reality rather than the thoughts of how it could've been. Of course, this is much easier said than done- but the more you do it, the faster you’ll be able to let go, move on, and really find The One.

Relation Strategy: Get a close friend to play the part of my boyfriend in the above story. Have them tell you stop every time you start up about "It coulda been..."

Relation Strategy: Use the relation strategy from last week: Make a list of all of the reasons that your ex really wasn't the perfect partner for you and focus on those things when your mind starts to do the "what if..."

Having a hard time letting go? Creating more suffering than needed? Coupling Connection can help you! Email for more info.

*Singles* Also check out the News For Singles section in this issue (below) for another breakup tip!

Mating: Ho Hum or Yee Haw?

As we all know, keeping the passion alive in a long term relationship can be tough. The key is to keep it fresh. One helpful tool to keep in your passion tool box are games. Sure! Board games- there are tons of sexy games on the market today whose sole goal is to help you put the heat back into your bedroom. When you are too tired to be creative or you're simply out of ideas- pull out a game and let it do the hard work for you!

Passion Perks Challenge: Shop online or at your local sexy store for a game to steam up this week!



Perpetual Problems, Part Two: The Healing Power of Humor

Last time we discussed Perpetual Problems, those irksome conflicts that just won't seem to go away. As noted, the key to coping is to create a dialogue around the issue that doesn't cause more negative emotions. One helpful way to take the fire out of an issue is the use of humor, this is especially helpful with problems that are going to be sticking around.

Here's an example. My boyfriend mumbles. Plain and simple. I can't hear him half the time. This can be frustrating for me. At the beginning of our relationship I used to try what seemed like innocuous statements to me: "Huh?", "WHAT?", and "Your mumbling AGAIN." As I discovered, this last one was definitely not the one to use. As it turns out, my boyfriend is sensitive to this issue because his father used to always yell at him about not being able to hear him (of course, why he didn't just learn to speak more loudly I'll never know! :)) So, although this seems like a minor issue- it's a hot spot. And it doesn't go away- he's soft spoken and he's staying that way.

So, what's a girl to do? Buy a hearing aid? Attach a permanent microphone to his lapel? Good ideas, but impractical. And I can't just ignore it- after all, I can't hear him! Well, since I don't want this perpetual issue to slowly chip away at our positive feelings for one another- I turned to humor. One day when I had no idea what he just mumbled, I simply said, "You must be speaking to that Sprite on your shoulder." Since it was silly and unexpected, we both laughed. It's a gentle way to let him know that the only person who could hear him is a teeny Sprite sitting right on top of him! So now, whenever I can't decipher his speech, I just pull out some silly new version of the Sprite scenario: "That must be a secret between you and the Sprite," "I wish I were the Sprite," "I'm giving that Sprite a megaphone." It always makes us both laugh AND it gets him to speak up without triggering his old hurt feelings from childhood.

Action Step: Find a way to add some humor into your discussions about perpetual problems. But beware- since humor is very individual, what you find funny, your partner may find insulting- especially around a sensitive topic. You may need to experiment to find something that works for both of you.


NEWS: For Singles

Relation Tip: Another great strategy to help when you are having trouble letting go or moving on. This was submitted by a single man to a therapist who conducts a radio program (Spirit-Centered Relationships- which airs Thursdays at 1 p.m. Pacific at "I recently found myself obsessing about several relationships in my past which hadn't ended well. I kept thinking about the relationships, feeling angry about things that had happened, also sad about rejections and things they'd said. After a couple of hours I got tired of these thoughts and feelings rattling around inside me, so I tried something that worked great to clear all of it out of my mind. I got out a piece of paper and made a list of all those relationships. Then I went through each of them and wrote down all the things I'd learned about myself, other people, and how life works from each of the relationships. I ended up with several pages of things I'd learned. When I finished I felt grateful instead of the anger and frustration I'd felt when I began."

What a fabulous idea! Turning frustration into gratitude doesn't only feel better- it makes you smarter for the next time!


* NEXT WEEK* NEW Coupling Connection Teleclass!!

Crafting the STAND OUT Internet Dating Profile:

Getting the Attention You Deserve

Wednesday September 6th,

7-8:15pm Mountain time

New to Internet dating and not sure how to get started? Been using Internet dating but not getting the response you deserve? Join us for a look at the most common profile mistakes and learn how to craft a profile that will get you noticed!

Ah, the power of words...with the right ones, you open up a world of possibilities and draw interesting, attractive prospects. With the wrong ones, you'll send people running for the hills even if you are Ms./Ms Wonderful. Or worse yet, you'll be attracting the wrong type of responses. This class will review plenty of real life examples of stand out profiles as well as red flag alerts. Don't fall prey to profile mistakes!

Bonuses! All participants receive a handout to help you get started writing a terrific profile. In addition, all who attend get a FREE Red Flag Profile assessment- make sure your profile doesn't contain any of the lethal errors! All participants are also entitled to a 15% discount on future profile editing or creation services!

Introductory Cost: $15, payable by check or credit card on Pay Pal

Email for more info or to register!


Join us for *FREE* Date Smart! Keys to Dating Smarter, Not Harder

The September topic:

Finding the Needle In a Haystack- Using the Most Underutilized Key For Meeting The One

Monday Sept 25th, 7:30pm, Mountain Time, (9:30 pm eastern)

Learn more here: Date Smart


*NEW* Co-Ed Sassy Singles Book Club!

Coupling Connection is now hosting a dating book club for all singles in Denver. Join a great group of singles every month to get inspired and informed to create an extraordinary relationship! Best part? You don't even need to read the book! Become empowered to find the love you deserve!

September meeting: Monday September 18th, 7pm.

To join or learn more visit: Sassy Singles Book Club. PS. You don't have to attend every meeting to join!


My New Singles University Workshop Dates!

Singles University has gone national! They now offer classes in web cast and teleclass formats for added convenience!! Learn all you need to know to create the love you deserve without ever leaving home!

See Singles U website for the latest dates for the following workshops:

How to Avoid Dating and Marrying a Jerk(ette) Part 1 and 2

Attraction Traps: Reclaiming Your Love Life From the Patterns of the Past

Sensational Singles: How to Maximize Your Happiness and Create the Life That You Desire


"Socializing for Professionals"

Party and networking event for singles is being held at the elegant Glenmoor Country Club from 5:30 to 9:45 on the following dates:

The second Thursday in September and October (September 14, & October 12.)

$15.00 at the door, more info here: Parties by Marty


Only ONE week left to take advantage of

Summer Sizzle Specials!

It's summer and now is the time to create the relationship of your dreams. Why not spark e a little summertime romance in your life? You deserve it!

Purchase a 6 pack of 45 min coaching calls and save! Normally priced at $270. Save $15 per call and pay only $180!

Complete the Relationship Readiness Inventory. Normally priced at $65. Save $20 and pay only $45.

Internet Dating Profile Creation. Save$$$.

Now through the end of August! Put some summer sizzle into your life!!


News: For Couples

Coupling Connection is all about helping you find ways to stay close to the ones you love. Here's a great resource to help you discover a fun way to stay connected with your family. Find a new tradition today that your family will remember for a lifetime!

Learn more here: Once Upon A Family


*NEW* Couples Inventory: Bulletproof Your Love

Whether or not your relationship is currently in trouble, it can help to identify your love's strengths and weaknesses. Doing this can prevent trouble down the road by addressing small issues before they become large. Or if things are less than ideal now, it can help you tackle the big problems so you can bring passion, romance, and connection back into your life.

Cost: $75 per couple, $60 during the Summer Sizzle Special! $60 for Individual, $45 during Special.

Email for more info.


* Have you tried a tip or tool from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want to hear about it!? Let us know what your experience was like. Did it improve your connection? Or no? Email us! *

Do you have a topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed in an upcoming newsletter? Email us!

Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts? Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!

May your relationships bring you the happiness you deserve,

Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.


Not interested in receiving RelationSmarts? Send us an Email with unsubscribe in the body of the message.