week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating
tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire
you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include
helpful information in these three categories:
- Dating – tips on finding and keeping the
- Mating – take the Passion Perks challenge
and perk up your love life!
- Relating – tips on making your connection
Be sure to scroll down and
check out news of note and announcements for singles and couples!
We'll be keeping you abreast of relationship happenings
you may find useful.
SINGLES! Lots of new exciting
opportunities for upcoming programs and events! Don't Miss
out!! See below for details...
Does an article strike a chord
or remind you of a friend's situation? Please pass Relation
Smarts on! Everyone deserves to have more love in their life!
Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research
shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within
two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary
relationship, try something new today!
Up and Making Up?
Have you seen this summer’s romantic comedy
The Breakup? Despite all the hype because of Jennifer Aniston
and her new beau Vince Vaughn, it’s memorable for only
two scenes- a marvelous example of how to have a knockdown
drag out fight and the movie’s ending.
Surprisingly, The Breakup managed to avoid the typical
Hollywood happy ending when despite all of Vaughn’s
pleas to return to him and live happily ever after, Jennifer’s
character did one smart thing: she passed on his offer for
a reconciliation. Perhaps not the warm fuzzy ending we’ve
come to expect (or that she deserves after Brangelia!), but
nevertheless, a wise decision. Why? Because relationships
break up for a reason: they aren’t working. But breakups
are hard. They are lonely, painful challenges for the spirit
so it’s easy to see why a lot of people pine for the
past, ignore all the bad by focusing on the good times, and
start to believe that giving it another try sounds like a
good idea. But that truly is the easy way out- not the smartest.
Because here’s the deal- 2nd tries, 3rd chances, 4th
efforts rarely, I repeat RARELY, end with happily ever after
because the relationship had major flaws in the first place.
Feelings of “love” are never, ever enough. You
must have compatibility and compromise (and a gazillion other
And while Vaughn’s character’s new found
insights and attempts to change may be tempting- let’s
be realistic here. Changing for another person hardly ever
lasts- it’s just too hard. It’s an
exceptional circumstance that a person finally sees
the light AND is able to maintain the behavior change for
the long haul. This is why Jennifer’s character was
an excellent role model at the end of the film- she realized
that it might feel great for a little while if they reunited,
but that before long, things would most likely be back to
the way it was before: clawing at each other’s throats.
Lots of people waste tons of time, energy, and emotion breaking
up and making up, over and over again. Vow not to be one of
them. Trivial movie- but not a trivial take-home message!
Action Step: Learn to
recognize when enough is enough. Learn to brave the breakup,
assimilate the lessons presented, and let go. The sooner you
can- the faster your soul mate can arrive!
At the peak of your break up (when anger rather than sadness
has taken hold)- make a list of all of the things that weren’t
healthy about the relationship or that drove you crazy about
your ex. Keep it handy for when you’re feeling weak
and sentimental, and about to pick up that phone for a 2am
Relation Tip: Remember,
put down the phone. Now!
Relation Tip: If
you know you have weak will power about breakups and makeups,
a clean break- with a planned period of no-contact- may be
your best bet for successfully letting go.
Have a hard time knowing when
to let go? Need an outside perspective to assist you in your
decision? Coupling Connection offers one-time and short-time
consultations to help you make the best choice for you! Email
for more info.
*Singles* Also check out the
Relating section in this issue (below) for a very important
discussion that can help you pick the right partner for you!
Plus, there's a singles tip included just for you.
It's In the Eyes
I remember the boyfriend who first taught me about
the pleasures of keeping my eyes open during kissing and everything
that comes afterward. It happened like this: in the middle
of a smooch I uncharacteristically opened my eyes for a second
and found him staring back at me. It kind of surprised me
so I asked: "Why are your eyes open?" And his reply
was, "Why wouldn't I keep my eyes open, I am
kissing a beautiful girl." Awwhhhhh, that's terribly
sweet, isn't it? But all of a sudden, a light bulb went off
in my head- Gee, that makes sense. The more logical question
is: why does everyone keep their eyes closed!
It's all about connection. When you are looking into
each other's eyes, whether during a kiss or during sex, it
increases the connection and intimacy- and isn't that one
of the primary motivations for sexual activity anyway? It's
easy to get stuck in a habit of closing your eyes for relaxation
or maybe even to focus on some private fantasy to aid in arousal-
but when that becomes your habit- you are automatically reducing
the level of intimacy you can experience. And if you routinely
use fantasy while you and your partner are engaged in lovemaking-
you are taking yourself out of the moment ...creating distance
between you- the opposite of what you truly desire.
Want the ultimate in intimate connection? Try keeping
your eyes open during orgasm. It's not as easy as it sounds,
because it is the human body's reflex to contract muscles
during climax. But the effort is worth it- there is no time
when you can be so at one with your partner. This is because
during orgasm you actually lose yourself for a moment and
all of the walls and masks and defenses you typically use
fall away- so for a moment you can really connect deeply.
If you haven't tried this- you are likely to need practice-
not only to train your muscles, but also because most people
find that they feel very vulnerable and have a difficult time
trusting someone else enough to invite them into that moment.
Passion Perks Challenge:
This week experiment with kissing your partner with your eyes
open (although you may not want to keep them open- it's a
little disorientating to be looking at someone who is so close)
and then graduate to keeping your eyes open during lovemaking
and orgasm. Notice the difference in feelings of closeness
and intimacy. Of course for this to work best, both partners
should try to keep their eyes open!
As promised, before we leave Dr. Gottman's venerable
Love Lab-here's one last insight.
The difference between happy and unhappy couples
isn't that unhappy couples have problems! ALL couples have
problems. In fact, happy and unhappy couples tend to have
about the same number of problems
And it's not that happy couples solve their problems more
than unhappy couples either! Gottman notes that there are
two types of problems: solvable and perpetual (ones that keep
coming up over and over again). Surprisingly, 69% of problems
are perpetual- unsolvable. Ouch! That means that MOST of your
problems are never going to go away.
So, the difference between happy and unhappy couples
is that happy couples learn to create a dialogue surrounding
these unsolvable issues rather than become gridlocked in negative
emotion (remember those 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse?).
Why won't most of your problems go away? Because
perpetual problems exist for two basically unchanging factors:
different personality styles and different needs within relationships.
For example, you may be a big talker and he's not
(personality) or he needs a lot of affection and you don't
Fortunately, you don't have to solve perpetual problems
to have a happy relationship. You just have to learn to handle
them with humor and understanding and not let them overwhelm
the relationship. In fact, trying to change your partner's
mind is ultimately a waste of time, says Gottman. Instead,
the keys are to explore, accept, and even honor each other's
personal dreams and fundamental differences. Strangely, it's
often these fundamental differences that originally attracted
you to your mate- so try to get back in touch with what you
found alluring or endearing about that characteristic in the
Action Step: Not finding a
way to dialogue about your perpetual problems will put you
on the road toward divorce, so learning to communicate about
them is paramount. This can be tricky- so seek help if you
need it! Coupling
Connection specializes in this.
Relation Tip: People
often think that if they leave their partner- they can find
a new relationship without "all these problems."
That's a myth! As one psychologist said, when you choose a
life partner "you will inevitably be choosing a particular
set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for
the next ten, twenty or fifty years." Sobering for sure.
But use that realization to boost your commitment to your
partner and work smarter on your perpetual issues!
Relation Tip for Singles: Yes-
it's true that 69% of the issues you have with your partner
are not going away and that's normal. BUT- you have the choice
when you are picking your partner- to chose someone whose
set of perpetual problems mesh well with yours so that you
can live with those issues more easily. In reality, you can
chose someone who is more or less
different than you in areas that are more
or less important to you. When you select someone who
is more different from you in an area that is very important
to you- it is going to be MUCH more difficult to cope than
if you pick someone who is a little different from you on
a less important area. So, as you are dating, take a careful
look at the areas where issues routinely come up- they are
unlikely to change much- can you live with that set of differences?
Not sure which type of difference is a big deal?
The Relationship Readiness Inventory
can help you assess the type of differences you can live with!
for more info.
us for Date Smart! Keys to Dating Smarter, Not Harder
Three Dumbest Mistakes Even Smart Daters Make
August 28th, 7pm, Mountain Time (9 pm eastern)
Once a month, Dr. Jenn is hosting a
1 hour, FREE Date Smart conference call. Each month, we'll
explore another important dating topic that will inform and
inspire you toward success! Plus, ask any dating dilemma question
RSVP by Email
requested, but not required.
To participate, on Aug 28th at 7pm call:
Participant Access Code: 356899#
Finding the Needle In a Haystack- Using the Most Underutilized
Key For Meeting The One. Monday September 25th 7:30 pm, Mountain
Got a topic you'd
like to see covered by Date Smart, drop a line and let me
Coupling Connection Teleclass!!
the STAND OUT Internet Dating
the Attention You Deserve
New to Internet dating and not sure
how to get started? Been using Internet dating but not getting
the response you deserve? Join us for a look at the most common
profile mistakes and learn how to craft a profile that will
get you noticed!
Ah, the power of words...with the right
ones, you open up a world of possibilities and draw interesting,
attractive prospects. With the wrong ones, you'll send people
running for the hills even if you are Ms./Ms Wonderful. Or
worse yet, you'll be attracting the wrong type of responses.
This class will review plenty of real life examples of stand
out profiles as well as red flag alerts. Don't fall prey to
Bonuses! All participants receive a
handout to help you get started writing a terrific profile.
In addition, all who attend get a FREE Red
Flag Profile assessment- make sure your profile doesn't contain
any of the lethal errors! All participants are also entitled
to a 15% discount on future profile editing or creation services!
Introductory Cost: $15, payable by check
or credit card on Pay Pal
for more info or to register!
Sassy Singles Book Club!
Connection is now hosting a dating book club for single women
in Denver. Join a group of women every month to get inspired
and informed to create an extraordinary relationship! Each
month, we'll discuss the principles of a new dating or relationship
book. Best part? You don't even need to read the book! Our
meetings will provide an overview of the book for all to discuss.
Become empowered to find the love you deserve!
meeting: Monday September 18th, 7pm. Location TBA. Cost $8
Why You're Still Single by Evan Marc Katz and Linda Holmes-
an insightful, amusing book loaded with wisdom.
to join in on the fun? The Sassy Singles Book Club is being
cyber hosted by Meetup.com. To join or learn more visit: Sassy
Singles Book Club.
You don't have to attend every meeting to join!
New Singles University Workshop Dates!
Singles University has gone national!
They now offer classes in web cast and teleclass formats for
added convenience!! Learn all you need to know to create the
love you deserve without ever leaving home!
U website for the latest dates for the
How to Avoid Dating
and Marrying a Jerk(ette) Part 1 and 2
Reclaiming Your Love Life From the Patterns of the Past
How to Maximize Your Happiness and Create the Life That You
Harvest Moon Ball
Denver's Grandest Black Tie Single's
Ball of the year!
(Singles 38 and over - limited to 400 women and 400 men)
Saturday, October 21st
7:00 pm to 12:30 am
The Denver Marriott City Center Colorado Ballroom
1701 California Street, (corner of 18th & California)
Denver, CO. 80202 - 303-297-1300.
Tickets are $48.00 in advance. Make your check or
money order out to Marty Pickert. Mail to Susan Martin, 8117
S. Humboldt Circle, Centennial, CO. 80222-2974. We MUST HAVE
the name, gender and phone number for each ticket purchased!
Your name is on the guest list the night of the dance. We
do not send you a ticket.
Tickets at the door are $58.00 (cash or check).
Your ticket includes hors d' oeuvres catered by the
Marriott this year and served at 7:30 and 8:30, dessert, DJ,
door prizes, dance lessons and mixers, and a mixer game. The
cash bar has reduced prices with a $5.00 well drink and a
This is a black tie event. Women wear long gowns,
short dresses, whatever they feel is "formal" attire.
Men, please wear a tux!
Mister Neat's Formalwear is offering a $20.00 discount
on a basic tux for $39.95 (shoes are $10.00 extra). Plus,
all designer tux's are 40% off! Mister Neat's has 20 locations.
Call 1-888-642-3889, or 303-706-0001 for the location nearest
you. Mention the Harvest Moon Ball for your discount!
We keep the ratio of men to women 50-50 so that everyone
can enjoy dancing and meeting people of the opposite sex!
Please everyone, purchase your ticket early! We may need to
cut off the number of advanced women's tickets sold towards
the end. Or we may ask the later women ticket buyers to guarantee
a male attendee. We intend to be quite diligent in this regard
For more information contact Marty Pickert, 303-649-9125,
Life Without Limits
Single and wishing you had
more financial resources?
I hear from lots of singles who are
not flourishing financially, especially after a divorce. If
you are ready to become more prosperous, consider joining
a group of like minded people to assist you on your journey
to more financial independence. Meets the first Tuesday of
the month at 7:00 p.m. in Littleton to study the Science of
Getting Rich. Free. Led by life/business coach Carole Cross.
Learn more about her: wisewomen.org
Check out the Life Without Limits Team
on Meetup.com- a Denver based group. Link here:LWLT
Next meeting: Tue, Sep 5, 2006 at 7:00
2weeks left to take advantage of
It's summer and now
is the time to create the relationship of your dreams. Why
not spark e a little summertime romance in your life? You
Purchase a 6 pack of
45 min coaching calls and save! Normally priced at $270. Save
$15 per call and pay only $180!
Complete the Relationship
Readiness Inventory. Normally priced at $65. Save $20 and
pay only $45.
Internet Dating Profile
Now through the end
of August! Put some summer sizzle into your life!!
News: For Couples
Considering your next vacation? Always
wanted to take a cruise? Several relationship enrichment programs
are now offered during a cruise vacation- what better way
to relax, have fun, learn skills, and reconnect with your
See the Smart Marriages website for
program info. Cruise
*NEW* Couples Inventory:
Bulletproof Your Love
Whether or not your relationship is
currently in trouble, it can help to identify your love's
strengths and weaknesses. Doing this can prevent trouble down
the road by addressing small issues before they become large.
Or if things are less than ideal now, it can help you tackle
the big problems so you can bring passion, romance, and connection
back into your life.
Cost: $75 per couple, $60 during the
Summer Sizzle Special! $60 for Individual, $45 during Special.
for more info.
* Have you tried
a tip or tool from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want
to hear about it!? Let us know what your experience was like.
Did it improve your connection? Or no?
Email us! *
Do you have a
topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed
in an upcoming newsletter? Email
Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts?
Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!
May your relationships bring you the happiness you
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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