week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating
tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire
you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include
helpful information in these three categories:
- Dating – tips on finding and keeping the
- Mating – take the Passion Perks challenge
and perk up your love life!
- Relating – tips on making your connection
Be sure to scroll down and
check out news of note and announcements for singles and couples!
We'll be keeping you abreast of relationship happenings
you may find useful.
Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research
shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within
two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary
relationship, try something new today!
Here's a great quote from the TV show, Sex and the
"The most exciting, challenging, and significant
relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And
if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's
Well, I contend that finding someone who loves what
you love about you isn't just fabulous- it's absolutely essential!
Your ideal partner will be someone who really gets you and
thinks that your strengths and the things that make you unique-
really ROCK! A great partnership is like a mirror, reflecting
back all the wonder that is you- boosting your esteem, and
helping you deepen all of your positive qualities.
Action Step: Get out
a piece of paper and write down all of the things you really
like about yourself. The qualities and characteristics that
you admire or are proud of.
Now make sure whoever you seriously date appreciates those
qualities. If they don't, you are missing out on a great piece
of the equation: mutual respect and admiration.
In the latest issue
of Redbook there is an interview with actress Kate Beckinsale,
who had this to say about maintaining a strong, passionate
marriage: "Just because you are a mother doesn't mean
you can't feel sexy. I'm blessed to have a husband who walks
through the door and looks at me like every day's Christmas.
Women feel sexy from feeling appreciated and attractive
and desired. Men feel sexy from...having sex.
If you can strike that balance where the man is having sex
a whole bunch and the woman is feeling attractive and desired
enough to have sex a whole bunch, then you've figured out
the secret to a marriage that's totally alive."
Amen, sister! And she doesn't even
have a degree in psychology, but she hit the nail on the head.
Often, men and woman feel motivated to have sex from two different
places. But, when you use these differences to build a passionate
cycle upward- it's self-sustaining. But when either part is
missing, the cycle can come to a screeching halt!
Passion Perks Challenge:
Which part of the cycle is missing in your love life? If you
are the man, are you working hard to make sure your woman
is feeling appreciated, attractive and desired? If you are
the woman, are you making sure your man feels like he gets
what he needs at home? If not, you both know what you need
Relation Tip: Sure,
it's easy to feel attractive and be ogled when you look like
Kate, but don't get down on yourself. Remember, your man is
with you because he's attracted to you. You may have both
forgotten that if you've taken each other for granted. What
can you do to remind your mate that there was a time when
they couldn't keep their hands off of you? Hint: What can
you do to look more attractive? If you're a woman, put on
something sexy- that great lingerie that he loved or that
red dress you save for only special occasions. If you're a
man- what outfit does your partner find you irresistible in?
For me, it's a man in the perfect blue shirt!
And if you need more compliments and affection from
your partner to feel attracted and desired- don't hesitate
to speak up for what you need. If it will help put you in
the mood, your partner will be happy to oblige.
Slaying the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse!
Part 3: Contempt
In the previous two issues, we began a discussion
of the four behaviors that will most damage your relationship.
Engage in any of these four on a regular basis and I can guarantee
you are unhappy and may be on the path toward divorce!
I hope that in the past month, you've been slaying
Criticism and Defensiveness.
This time, we're talking about Contempt,
the most destructive force of all!
Researchers have found that the presence of contempt
alone is a huge warning sign that a relationship is headed
to divorce. Using contempt even only a little, is highly damaging
and must be stopped.
So, what is contempt? Contempt is any verbal or nonverbal
behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one's partner.
It can take the tone of actual comments, or the contempt may
be expressed more clearly thorough the tone of voice or facial
expression. Mocking each other, using sarcasm, and throwing
out put downs are all examples. They are hurtful, disrespectful,
and insulting comments, but often they are cloaked in subtlety
or even disguised in "humor". There is even a universal
facial expression associated with contempt- a muscle in the
side of the face pulls the lip over to the side and creates
a dimple, then the person often rolls the eyes and looks upward,
as if pleading to God to stop the insanity.
Person 1: I'm lost- I just
can't seem to figure it out.
Contempt: Of course you can't.
You and your whole family couldn't find their way out of a
wet paper sack.
Person 1: Is dinner ready?
Contempt: Is eating all you
ever think about anyway?
Person 1: I enjoyed your presentation today.
Contempt: Really? That's surprising,
I didn't think you'd get the importance.
Contempt has NO place in loving partnership.
Be on the lookout and ban it from your behavior. There is
never an excuse.
On the receiving end of a contemptuous comment from your partner?
Consistently set a limit that shows that you will not tolerate
such behavior. "Jack, that was a mean comment meant to
put me down. I will not speak with you when you talk like
that. Let me know when you are ready to really discuss the
issue." And leave the room. Remember- you are always
training other people how to treat you, and you will continue
to receive what you put up with. Do not allow others to treat
* Are you noticing that your
relationship has a few too many Horseman to be cozy? Relationship
coaching can help you banish those Horseman and feel closer
to your partner than ever before! We also offer the "Building
a Strong Relationship House" Inventory based on Dr. Gottman's
work. It will help pinpoint the strengths and weaknesses in
your relationship so you can turn it from ordinary into extraordinary.
Special in July: $65, for you and your partner!
Are you really
serious about finding the One? Check out Katherine
Woodward Thomas' book: Calling in the One: Seven weeks to
Attract the Love of Your Life. Hands down the best dating
book I've ever read!!
Check out my book
review on the website: Calling
In The One
It's summer and now
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Internet Dating Profile
Now through the end
of August! Put some summer sizzle into your life!!
News: For Couples
Day, Scott Haltzman, author of Secrets of Happily Married
Men, had this advice to dads: "Keep
your eye on the prize: After the vows are exchanged, many
men shift the focus from courting their wives to more pragmatic
things, like career development. Bad mistake. After the honeymoon,
show you care by doing the same courting behaviors you did
before you got married. She needs to know she's still # 1."
*NEW* Couples Workshop
It can be tough to keep the love alive
over time, especially with busy schedules, work and financial
stress, and children! But with the right attitudes and skills,
everyone can keep the passion burning. Come learn how to deepen
your connection, increase your intimate passion, and protect
your commitment from infidelity. Leave with tools to revitalize
your love. Email
for more info.
* Have you tried
a tip or tool from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want
to hear about it!? Let us know what your experience was like.
Did it improve your connection? Or no?
Email us! *
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in an upcoming newsletter? Email
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May your relationships bring you the happiness you
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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