week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating
tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire
you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include
helpful information in these three categories:
- Dating – tips on finding and keeping the
- Mating – take the Passion Perks challenge
and perk up your love life!
- Relating – tips on making your connection
We'll also be including news of note for singles
and couples, from Coupling Connection and all around the US,
keeping you abreast of relationship happenings you may find
Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research
shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within
two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary
relationship, try something new today!
To Juggle or
Not to Juggle: That
is the Question.
With the advent of internet dating, many singles
are faced with the choice to date (or at least get to know)
more than one person at once. When we used to meet in the
grocery aisle, this issue came up less often, but now that
we can select from hundreds of internet dating profiles, what
are we to do?
For many singles, the answer is to learn to juggle
(get to know more than one person at a time). Although some
traditionalists bristle at the idea, in today's internet marketplace,
it's almost a given. Why? Because your goal is to find "The
One" and finding The One is, primarily, a numbers game.
You've got to meet lots of people to find a partner worth
pursuing. That means you've got to learn how to best manage
your dating effort. And most often, the best strategy is juggling!
First, as discussed in a previous newsletter, people "poof"
all the time in the internet dating process! If you get to
know only one person at a time, you're very vulnerable to
disappointment when someone up and disappears. Worse than
that, you've wasted precious time that could have been used
to locate a more suitable candidate. Second, people are on
different time tables when it comes to internet dating. You
could be waiting around several weeks for someone to become
comfortable enough to meet in person, only to learn there's
no chemistry. If you have others in the "pipeline",
this is no big deal. Third, by getting to know multiple potential
partners, you reduce the emotional focus on any single person.
This is beneficial because it slows the process down, helping
you to avoid falling in infatuation before you really know
someone and keeps you from being broken hearted when a new
interest turns not so interesting after all.
The problem with juggling? Not everyone is comfortable
with it to begin with. They may feel it's immoral or unethical.
Or it may just be plain uncomfortable. Maybe it seems hurtful.
Or worse yet, embarrassing because you just can't keep straight
what you've told whom! But the truth of the matter is, that
even if you are not doing it, it's almost certain that the
people you are meeting are doing it, so you'll have to get
use to it one way or another. You might as well learn to take
advantage of the benefits!
There are two keys to successful juggling. The first
is communicating clearly so that your dates have realistic
expectations. There is nothing worse than thinking that you
are dating someone exclusively only to discover that s/he's
still checking out other profiles on the web. To avoid this
sticky situation, always assume that potential partners are
still playing the internet game, unless otherwise informed.
And remember, that it is a normal and effective strategy,
so try not to take it personally if it happens to you.
Next, take the initiative to be clear with your new
dates. Let them know that your style is to get to know several
people until it becomes clear who you'd like to get to know
better. Be sure to say this in a way that won't turn off a
potential partner, but in a way that simply communicates you're
serious about meeting the right partner for you. You might
try something like, "I'm looking forward to getting to
know you. And just in case you were wondering, I am getting
to know a couple of people, because I'm really looking for
the right person for me." This opens up the door of communication
so both people can be honest about how the process works for
them. And of course, you can make it known that if you both
decide you like each other enough, you'll be happy to focus
your attention on each other. If you have this conversation
early on, expectations are clear for everyone, which can save
a lot of trouble. But go with your gut about the right time
to have this conversation.
The second key is knowing when (and how) to stop
juggling and focus in on a potential partner. We'll discuss
this key in the next edition.
Action Step: Learn to
juggle successfully. Figure out what makes you hesitant to
juggle and address the underlying cause. Maybe you need to
change your attitude, not take things so personally, or learn
some new skills. If you already juggle, chances are you can
sharpen one or more skills, most often the skill of communicating
your intent and keeping expectations clear.
Want to learn more? MSN/Match.com has a recent article
on dating around.
Double Your Sex Life
How many of you have a TV set in your bedroom? These
days many families have a TV in the living room, in the kitchen,
and in every family members bedrooms. There are many reasons
why all of these TV's are a bad idea, but here is the biggest:
couples with a TV in their bedroom have sex HALF as often
as couples who do not have a TV in the bedroom!!!! Yup, that's
what new research shows.
And that's not all the bad news for TV lovers. Other
research shows that couples who spend more than 2 hours a
day watching TV report feeling less satisfied with the intimacy
level of their relationship.
So, whether that TV is in your living room or your
bedroom, chances are that it's causing your sex life to fizzle
rather than sizzle.
Passion Perks Challenge: Serious
about having more sex? Simple solution here: go move that
TV out of your bedroom today! And make an agreement with your
partner to reduce the amount of time you spend watching TV
when you are both home in the evening. Got a favorite program?
Great- watch it together. Got 5 favorite programs? Give some
up and go have sex!
Yeah, I know that a lot of people crash on the couch in front
of the TV after a long day of work because they feel too tired
to do anything else. But doing this, REALLY does erode the
intimacy in your marriage. Too tired? Turn off the TV, go
to your bedroom together, and cuddle. If that inspires you
for more, great. If not, you've already increased your intimacy
Too tired to even talk? Here's a simple exercise that requires
almost no energy that can really increase your connection.
It's called Electric Sex and
it comes from Jonathan Robinson's little book, Communication
Miracles for Couples (a very handy little book, highly recommended).
Instructions: "sit facing your partner so you can hold
both of their hands. Look into your partner's eyes and breathe
in unison. It's best if the woman breathes normally and the
man matches her breathing. By noticing when the woman's shoulders
rise and fall, it's possible to tell when you inhale and exhale.
After a few minutes, you'll both be in the same rhythm and
it won't take any effort to breathe together. Continue looking
into each other's eyes and breathing together for at least
Sound hokey? It's
not! People spend very little time really looking
at their partner. Give it a try- I bet it will be harder than
it seems! It can make you feel very vulnerable. Hence, the
potential for increased connection. But no cheating! You can't
talk during this exercise.
There are times in all relationships when you don't
feel "in love" anymore. Maybe you think to yourself,
"I love him or her, but I am not in love".
Heck, maybe you don't even like them, for a time. These periods
can last hours, weeks, or even months for some couples. So
what happens when you no longer feel like it? Many
couples drift apart and eventually divorce. But other couples
stay together, live through the tough times, and come out
closer in the end. What makes the difference? Commitment.
Commitment is the glue that binds you through the good AND
the bad. Commitment is what enables a person to remember that
love is a VERB. You don't have to FEEL loving in order to
ACT loving. In fact, oftentimes the fastest way to reignite
your feeling of love is to behave in a loving manner. Too
often, this is forgotten. For a relationship to last for a
lifetime, it requires a commitment to commitment. That's right.
When things are going well, it's easy to say, "I am committed
to YOU." When things aren't going so well, many people
can still say, "I am committed to the marriage."
But when the going gets really tough, you've got to be able
to say, "I am committed to the IDEA of commitment."
Because that may be the only thing that gets you through.
And get through is what you want to do because:
Relation Fact: Research
shows that two-thirds of people who said that they were very
unhappy in their marriage, but stayed together anyway, were
happy again five years later!
Action Step: Be committed to
commitment. The next time you don't FEEL loving, do something
to ACT loving anyway.
Need more convincing? How about
In a recent study of divorced persons, "lack of commitment"
was the number one reason given for things that lead to the
divorce. It was endorsed by 85% of participants. The next
reason, "too much conflict", was endorsed by only
Commitment is so important,
that we'll be discussing it further in future editions.
is all about helping you avoid the dangers of rushing into
love. Check out this informative MSN.com article that discusses
important principles that we stand by. If you struggle with
implementing these principles, coaching can help!
Fool for Love Article
Connection has been invited to present a workshop at the Mile
Hi Church YES Group Friday Night Enrichment Series. May 12,
7-9:30pm. Lakewood, CO
Attraction Traps: Reclaiming Your Love
Life from the Patterns of the Past
is an excellent opportunity to learn everything you need to
know to break out of your habits of the past, at a reduced
cost from the normal workshop! Cost for members of the YES
Group $10, non-members $15
Tickets will be sold at the door.
Note: This is the same seminar as "They
Are Just Not That Into You."
*New Spring Workshop Dates at Singles
Mon May 1, 6:30-9:30 They
Are Just Not That Into You! Why You Put Up With Bad Behavior
and How to Never Tolerate It Again.
Thur May 25, 6:30-9 How to Avoid
Dating and Marrying a Jerk(ette)
See website for more info or Enroll
at Singles University.
*Sick of being single and ready
to get started on your path to the perfect partner?
Take advantage of two exciting opportunities.
For a limited time, Inventories are half off! Clarify
the characteristics of your perfect partner and learn how
to get out of your relationship ruts. A powerful step toward
an extraordinary relationship. Cost: $40.
*NEW* E-course: They
Are Just Not That Into You
Now offered as an Email Course!
You get six weekly lessons emailed to you to read at your
leisure, including a weekly homework assignment that will
help you gain personal insight and apply the information to
your own situation. Once completed, you email each assignment
back for personalized feedback. Cost: $45.
See the website for more information on either of
these opportunities or email
if you are interested!
News For Couples
Think that relationship classes aren't
for you? Learn more about marriage education from the editor
of Tango magazine who recently tried several herself!
Marriage Ed article
Coupling Connection offers PREP, one of the most
researched and wide-spread of the marriage education courses.
* Have you tried
a tip or tool from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want
to hear about it!? Let us know what your experience was like.
Did it improve your connection? Or no?
Email us! *
Do you have a
topic, idea, question, or concern you'd like to have addressed
in an upcoming newsletter? Email
Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts?
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May your relationships bring you the happiness you
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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