week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating
tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire
you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include
helpful information in these three categories:
- Dating – tips on finding and keeping the
- Mating – take the Passion Perks challenge
and perk up your love life!
- Relating – tips on making your connection
We'll also be including news of note for singles
and couples, from Coupling Connection and all around the US,
keeping you abreast of relationship happenings you may find
Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research
shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within
two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary
relationship, try something new today!
Juggling- Part Two
Last time we talked about using juggling as the most
efficient way to maximize your use of Internet dating. Once
you become more comfortable with the process, the second
key is knowing when (and how) to stop juggling and focus in
on a potential partner.
Actually, knowing when usually takes care of itself!
You'll know that YOU are ready when you become more interested
in really getting to know someone. You've met at
least a few times, there is some chemistry and a sense of
compatibility. You start to think more about them, and you
get a solid sense that this might be a person with future
potential. Usually at this point, you realize that you are
more interested in spending time with this person, than some
of the other people you're meeting. You'll know the time is
right because you'll feel like focusing only on them.
But here's the thing, just because YOU are ready
doesn't mean your potential partner is ready! And honestly,
it doesn't make to much sense to focus in on a person unless
they are willing and ready to focus in on you too. Otherwise
you run the risk of the problems we spoke of previously: wasting
time, energy, effort, and emotion. And since you're serious
about meeting a great partner, which means a partner who is
into you as much as you are into them, you really don't want
to put more into a potential relationship than the other person
is. So, when you're ready to focus, it's time for a conversation
with Mr. or Ms. Maybe More.
How should that go? Pretty low key really. Just let
the person know that you are really enjoying getting to know
them and that you sense a real possibility of a meaningful
connection. And to fully explore that connection, you'd like
to focus in one dating only each other, without other distractions.
It's not a heavy commitment to a "future together,"
but it is a commitment to seeing each other exclusively for
a period of time to give the relationship a chance for blossoming.
It's difficult for people to really open up and become vulnerable
when they know that there are other suitors in the wings,
so exclusivity is an important evolutionary step in a potential
If you are really anxious about having this conversation,
chances are it's premature. Usually when it's right, both
people are feeling this around the same time. Although, it's
not uncommon for people to be on different time tables, but
it's important to have an understanding of this time table
and of the other's intentions. Do they just need more time
to ascertain their level of interest or do they kind of already
know that this won't move past a friendly fling? This conversation
can help you clarify expectations and help avoid wasted time
and heartbreak. So, while you don't want to have this conversation
too soon (you may seem overzealous or needy), you don't want
to put it off too long either.
And not to complicate matters further- but there's
one more touchy subject to consider when juggling: When to
become sexually involved. We'll cover that next time!
Action Step: Learn to
become more aware of when exclusivity is right for you and
work toward becoming comfortable having that conversation
when the time is ripe.
It often happens that one person is interested in moving a
relationship forward while the other is not. You'll need to
become astute in deciphering when it's the right time to move
on. It's one thing to give a person another month or so to
see if their feelings for you grow to match yours. But if
someone isn't willing to stop seeing other people after another
month or two at most, it usually means that they are just
not that into you. No matter how great you think they are-
if they don't return the sentiment- it's time to move on!
Your real prince or princess is waiting!
Please Dear, Not Tonight!
So what's up with all those "headaches"
women claim to have? Do they really have them or is something
else standing in the way of women fully enjoying their sex
life? This is the topic addressed by a friend of mine, Mary
Jo Fay, in her recently published third book, "Please
Dear, Not Tonight: The truth about women and sex. What they
want, what they are not getting, and why." This book
is full of practical information (for men and women) on the
obstacles women face when attempting to get pleasure out of
sex- from poor body image and lack of sexual knowledge, to
low self esteem and poor communication skills.
Let's take that last topic, poor communication, because
it stands in the way an awful lot of the time. So many women
(and a lot of men too!) are afraid to let their partner know
what would truly please them in bed. Maybe they don't feel
worthy to assert their needs, maybe they think it is their
job to please him instead, maybe they are embarrassed to talk
about it, or maybe they fear a negative reaction from their
partner if they do speak up. No matter what the cause, you
do yourself AND your partner a disservice by NOT being up
front. You deserve to enjoy your sex life as much as possible
and chances are that your partner really wants you to enjoy
yourself too. Most men feel good when they know they've made
their women feel great. So think of speaking up as a gift
to yourself AND to him, because it will improve the outcome
of your sexual experiences for BOTH of you.
Take a minute to stop and really consider what YOU
need to enjoy sex more fully. Maybe you need your partner
to do something different to put you in the mood, maybe you
need more foreplay, maybe you'd like them to try a different
technique, or maybe you need more post-action cuddles. And
men, stop and do the same, PLUS, consider broaching the topic
yourself by asking her what would enhance her experience.
Passion Perks Challenge: Today,
ask your partner for one thing that would boost your interest,
desire, arousal, sensation, or satisfaction in the bedroom.
Bonus Challenge: Ask your partner
for one thing that they would like for you to do.
Do the asking and telling OUTSIDE of the bedroom, during a
non-erotic time. Many people are more comfortable talking
about sex when not in the middle of it!
And make your request using only positive statements: "I'd
love it if you'd...or It really gets me going when you..."
Leave out the part about what they aren't doing enough of
or aren't doing correctly! And when your partner gives your
suggestion a try- remember to thank them and let them know
how good it felt. That will increase the likelihood of it
What to check out the book? Here's the link:
What's Your Temperature?
As we've been speaking about, often the biggest challenge
to couples these days is finding the time and energy to stay
connected. To help boost your connection, I recommend getting
into the habit of using the Daily Temperature Reading, a tool
created by a famous family therapist and taught by the Pairs
Relationship Education Program. Here's how it works. Set aside
about 15-30 minutes to complete the Reading, preferably every
day, but at least once a week, at a couple meeting! Sit across
from one another so you can look at each other and remove
all distractions (TV, phone, screaming children). Take turns
proceeding through the five steps:
1. Appreciation: Everyone needs to hear compliments,
thank you's, and recognition for our good deeds on a frequent
basis. Appreciation often gets lost in the shuffle. Let your
partner know what you appreciate about them. They don't have
to be big things. In fact, some times it's even more touching
to know that your partner noticed and appreciated a small
thing. And if there is something you'd like recognition for,
speak up and let your partner know!
2. New Information: To stay connected, partners need
to know what's going on in each others lives. So, share what
happened today at work, at play, with the kids. Stay informed.
3. Puzzles: Sometimes we have questions or concerns
that we are wondering about our partner, but that we haven't
brought up yet. Misunderstandings, assumptions, and mind-reading
often wreck havoc on a relationship. So, here's your chance
to ask: what's going on about X? How are you feeling about
4. Complaints with Request for Change: Differences
are always going to come up in relationships. When they do,
don't let them fester inside, share them using this technique:
"When you _______________, I feel _______________,
and what I'd like instead is _____________."
It's critical to learn to share and hear this type
of request without becoming defensive. Instead, when on the
receiving end of such a "complaint/request", become
curious about it! Ask for more information, more detail. Let
your partner know you care about what they need. That's the
biggest gift you can give each other.
5. Wishes, Hopes, and Dreams: Helping each other's
wishes and dreams come true is part of what bonds couples
for a lifetime. So share your hopes and dreams for today,
this weekend, next month, five years from now. Support each
other in striving toward these goals.
Action Step: Commit to using
the Daily Temperature reading AT LEAST once a week.
Quote: "Think of your life as a canoe and your decisions
and actions as your paddle. You'll get where you're going
one stroke at a time with the decisions and actions you make."
Strategy: Consider this- everything you do either moves you
closer toward or away from the relationship you deserve. Where
are your attitudes, beliefs, decisions, and actions taking
you? You have the power to choose to move toward your ideal
relationship every day. Are you making that choice? Increase
your awareness of the power of your choices.
*NEW* Singles Workshop
How to Maximize
Your Happiness and Create the Life That You Desire
Learn to empower
yourself to create the happiness you deserve! In this course,
you'll learn the benefits of happiness, the nine choices you
can make to live a more joyful, satisfied life, and three
tools to help you get there.
Dates for Singles
University course to be announced soon. Email
for course outline or for info on E-course.
*FREE* Virtual Group
How To Avoid
Dating and Marrying a Jerk:
to Selecting Your Perfect Partner
Haven't yet had an opportunity to learn
about this program? Now is the perfect opportunity to get
an introduction to the most important principles- free! Join
a one-hour group call. Date and time to be announced soon.
time Workshop Opportunity
Hi Church YES Group Friday Night Enrichment Series.
12, 7-9:30pm. Lakewood, CO
Attraction Traps: Reclaiming Your Love
Life from the Patterns of the Past
is an excellent opportunity to learn everything you need to
know to break out of your habits of the past, at a reduced
cost from the normal workshop! Cost for members of the YES
Group $10, non-members $15
Tickets will be sold at the door.
Note: This is the same seminar as "They
Are Just Not That Into You."
New Spring Workshop Dates at Singles
Mon May 1, 6:30-9:30
They Are Just Not That Into You! Why
You Put Up With Bad Behavior and How to Never Tolerate It
Thur May 25, 6:30-9 How
to Avoid Dating and Marrying a Jerk(ette)
See website for more info or Enroll
at Singles University.
Sick of being single and ready
to get started on your path to the perfect partner?
Take advantage of two exciting opportunities.
For a limited time, Inventories are half off! Clarify
the characteristics of your perfect partner and learn how
to get out of your relationship ruts. A powerful step toward
an extraordinary relationship. Cost: $40.
*NEW* E-course: They
Are Just Not That Into You
Now offered as an Email Course!
You get six weekly lessons emailed to you to read at your
leisure, including a weekly homework assignment that will
help you gain personal insight and apply the information to
your own situation. Once completed, you email each assignment
back for personalized feedback. Cost: $45.
See the website for more information on either of
these opportunities or email
if you are interested!
News For Couples
Want a great tool to increase your relationship
connection AND have fun? Try out the book: 10
Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage by David and
Claudia Arp. It won one of three 2005 Smart Marriage Awards
for Programs with the Most Impact. This book walks you through
10 evenings out with your honey, doing a brief relationship
*NEW* Couples Workshop
It can be tough to keep the love alive
over time, especially with busy schedules, work and financial
stress, and children! But with the right attitudes and skills,
everyone can keep the passion burning. Come learn how to deepen
your connection, increase your intimate passion, and protect
your commitment from infidelity. Leave with tools to revitalize
your love. Email
for more info.
* Have you tried
a tip or tool from the Relation Smarts E-newsletter? We want
to hear about it!? Let us know what your experience was like.
Did it improve your connection? Or no?
Email us! *
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in an upcoming newsletter? Email
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May your relationships bring you the happiness you
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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