week, we'll be delivering smart and fresh relating
tips. We know you are busy, so let these quick ideas inspire
you to create your ideal relationship! Each edition will include
helpful information in these three categories:
- Dating – tips on finding and keeping the
- Mating – take the Passion Perks challenge
and perk up your love life!
- Relating – tips on making your connection
We'll also be including news of note for singles
and couples, from Coupling Connection and all around the US,
keeping you abreast of relationship happenings you may find
Remember, information is only good if you USE it. Research
shows that if you don't use a new piece of information within
two weeks, you won't ever use it! So if you want an extraordinary
relationship, try something new today!
Dating: Know Thyself
The very first step to finding the perfect partner
for you is to have a really good sense of WHO you are and
what you NEED to be happy. To get an improved view of your
top values and strengths, I suggest that you take the VIA
(Values in Action) Signature Strengths Survey. It's free and
it will tell you what your top five character strengths are
(as well as your score on 24 character strengths). This survey
helps you clarify what your highest values are, as well as
how you tend to operate most effectively in the world. Knowing
your strengths and weaknesses can help your search for the
right partner in two ways. First, it gives you a sense of
what is most important to you, so that you can find a partner
who holds similar values. Or, so you can find one who has
complementary strengths (someone who can make up for one of
your weaknesses with their strengths, as long as you can work
together on it!). Second, knowing your strengths can give
you ideas about how to make your dating strategy consistent
with who you are as a person, which can make it even more
Action Step: Increase your
knowledge of your strengths and values by taking the VIA.
When you are done- be sure to press the button that says "Show
All 24" at the bottom. This will enable you to know where
you fall on all 24 character strengths- giving you a picture
of both your strengths and weaknesses. Also, just ignore the
fancy looking graphs that come with each score (they compare
you to other people in a variety of groups and are, essentially,
Click here to go to the Test: VIA
You'll see a box in the middle
of the page that says "Featured Questionnaire."
Click there, create a login, and take the test.
Dating Stat: New
research suggests that single people take only seconds to
decide whether a member of the opposite sex appeals to them,
by taking into account factors such as age, height, and attractiveness.
Although humans may be hard-wired biologically to immediately
decide who we are attracted to, we do ourselves a disservice
by prematurely ruling out candidates who don't make us tingle
right away. Tingles fade with time, real love lasts only when
it's based on all the things you learn about a person
after the first 3 minutes.
Stress Kills Sex
For both men and women, feeling stressed out can
kill the mood. Want to know why? Well, first, stress lowers
testosterone for both sexes, making you less interested in
sex. Second, when you've got a lot on your mind, it's difficult
to clear out the clutter and focus on the pleasurable sensations.
This makes it hard to feel aroused and maybe even impossible
to achieve an orgasm. Since sex is more mental for women than
for men, worries and distractions can pose more of an obstacle
for women. But, as many of you can attest to, having good
sex can be a great way to really relax after a tense day.
So what can you do to get back in the mood?
Try one of these proven
stress reducers: exercise (getting your heart rate up is most
helpful, but even a walk around the block can help), meditation,
yoga (or gentle stretching), listening to your favorite music,
cuddling or touching your partner, talking to a friend, journaling
(get out all those nagging worries), taking a bath, getting
out into nature, taking a nap, reading, petting or playing
with your pet, making a to-do list and then forgetting about
Perks Challenge: Since the average level of stress is approaching
an all time high, it's important for you to find ways to alleviate
those uptight feelings. Experiment until you find what works
for you. Your sex-life will thank you.
Know your partner is too stressed out to be in the mood? Ask
what you can do to help out. Or better yet, suggest a relaxing
activity that you can enjoy together. Couples massage anyone?
Feeling a little distant from your partner lately?
Maybe your busy lives have left you with barely time for hello
and goodbye. Or maybe when you’re finally alone together,
you’re both too tired for fun. But a little distance
can grow into an ocean of space in barely a blink of the eye.
So the next time it’s just the two of you, make the
most of it by reminiscing about one of the following easy
topics. They are virtually guaranteed to increase your intimacy
and recapture a little bit of that magic spark that originally
made your hearts warm for each other. The key is in the details:
Try to recall as many specific details as you can!
The Time You Met
What were your very first impressions? What captured your
interest, making you want to see each other again?
Your First “I Love You”
How did you know you were in love and what made you decide
to say it then? How did it feel to hear it?
The First Time You Made Love
How did you know it was the right time? Remember how it unfolded.
Recall how your partner looked and how they made you feel.
What was the best part about it?
Your Last Great Time Together
What made it so fun? What did you appreciate about your partner
Your Most Enjoyable Vacation
What was most relaxing, most exciting? How did you feel about
each other without all of the everyday stresses? What did
you learn about your partner during the trip?
Your Future Dreams
Think ahead five years, what do you envision for your life
together? How do you want to grow as a couple? What do you
want to experience together that you haven’t yet?
Reminiscing about your past and dreaming about your
future are the quickest ways to reignite your passion. Got
ten minutes? Give it a try! Your relationship will thank you
Action Step: Don't let your
busy life get in the way of feeling close to your partner.
Tonight, try reminiscing about one or more of the above topics
to increase your closeness. You've got 10 minutes! Try it!
Want to hear what the media has to say about relationship
education? Read the latest article, which discusses the How
To Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette) program (offered through Coupling
Connection) at Salon.com: Singles
Going Steady Article
*Class this week*
at Singles University in Denver, CO!
Wed March 23, 6:30-9:30 They
Are Just Not That Into You!
Why You Put Up With Bad Behavior and How to Never Tolerate
Tired of wasting time in bad relationships? Fed up
with feeling hurt, rejected, or lonely? Know you deserve better
but just can’t seem to move on? You are not alone! Learn
about the early warning signs of an unrewarding partnership
and the two major reasons people get stuck in dissatisfying
relationships. Armed with this insight, learn how to avoid
getting sucked into negative patterns and become empowered
to find the partner you deserve!
Enroll at Singles
Sick of being single and ready
to get started on your path to the perfect partner?
Take advantage of two exciting opportunities.
For a limited time, Inventories are half off! Clarify
the characteristics of your perfect partner and learn how
to get out of your relationship ruts. A powerful step toward
an extraordinary relationship. Cost: $40.
*NEW* E-course: They
Are Just Not That Into You
Now offered as a Email Course!
You get six weekly lessons emailed to you to read at your
leisure, including a weekly homework assignment that will
help you gain personal insight and apply the information to
your own situation. Once completed, you email each assignment
back for personalized feedback. Cost: $45.
See the website for more information on either of
these opportunities or email
if you are interested!
News For Couples
another good reason to make time for your partner? New research
from England shows that the reasons for divorce have been
changing over the decades. These days, the biggest reason
for divorce is lack of emotional satisfaction which comes
about from the old problem of "all work and no play."
Excessive working hours, over-focusing on the children, and
lack of quality couple time all lead to the demise of love.
Don't let your relationship be the next victim!
Know someone who could use a little RelationSmarts?
Feel free to forward the newsletter to family and friends!
May your relationships bring you happiness,
Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
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