Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle
Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle

Should You Break Up?:
When Leaving is a Gift

Article by Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.

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I spoke with a young man recently who was considering breaking up with his girlfriend of five months.

He rightly recognized that he could not offer her what she needed. As a result, she was in pain. She needed more than he could offer, perhaps in terms of time, commitment, connection, intimacy. Neither partner was right or wrong, but clearly they were not a match.

Being together resulted in them both feeling bad, for different reasons. For her, it hurts when the person you are with won’t or can’t give you what you need. For him, it’s uncomfortable, maybe even guilt inducing or irritating, to be with someone whose needs you know you are not meeting.

In this case, by staying with this woman, the guy was in essence, re-wounding her.

And she, in staying, was allowing herself to be re-victimized.

This was a pattern each was playing out from the past…old story line, new actors, but same old pain.

If we dug deeper into their histories, we’d find a family story that supported each of these familiar roles. A role you are destined to repeat, only until you chose a different one.

In a situation like this, the most loving action the man could take would be to tenderly break up with her, to free her from the painful cycle of wanting more than she ever receives from him.

To do it with a clean break would offer his partner the most important gift- the gift of a new beginning.

Of course, she could also dig deep to find the strength to give herself the greatest gift of all: Moving on, knowing that she will never again accept less than she deserves.

This couple had different needs in terms of Comfort with Closeness- the most pivotal of compatibility factors. When your needs don't naturally match up with your partner's needs, it's time to move on.

Is there someone you need to give the gift of freedom? Or is it time to claim your self worth and move on? Time's a'wasting. Do it today!

Read Related Article: How to Get Over a Break Up Quickly


Do you routinely find yourself in relationships like the one above, where you don’t get what you need, or where your partners want more from you than you can willingly offer? Dr. Jenn specializes in helping singles sort out these habits so that they can create the love they deserve. Consider a dating coaching session to help you sort out your best action now!

Email today for your free 20 minute consultation to learn how coaching can help you create the love you deserve!

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