Top Three Soulmate Search Mistakes
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So you’ve been searching for your
soulmate. But no luck so far. Only bad dates, detours into
the wrong relationship, and painful breakups.
Avoid these three critical dating mistakes, and fast
forward to your soulmate!
1. Falling Too Fast
One of the most common, and most deadly dating mistakes
is getting involved too quickly and falling head over heels
in “love” before you even know the person.
I know you’ve done it- we all have. Within
a week or two, you are thinking “S/he’s The One,”
you can’t concentrate on anything else, and you are
communicating all of the time.
In essence, you’ve plugged them into your heart,
your brain, and your life, BEFORE you really know if they
are a good match.
Then, typically 3 months later, when you see the
real person, you realize it wasn’t a match made in heaven.
Your heart is broken, your expectations shattered. You feel
raw and can’t bear the thought of starting over, AGAIN.
Worse, you’ve become overly attached to them
emotionally, which makes breaking up hard to do. In translation:
You get stuck in the wrong relationship a lot longer, wasting
precious soulmate search time.
Man, no wonder people get bitter about dating and
want to give up!
The Solution: Go Slow
You know how the turtle always beats that darn speedy
hare? It’s because he takes his time and makes smart
decisions, without being blurred by illusion.
The safest way to date is SLOWLY.
The intense chemicals of infatuation that show up
in early dating are designed to make you like the hare, all
crazed and ready to race ahead.
But those chemicals also blind you to reality.
To see reality, you have to build up your connection
with a new partner, slowly, over time.
This means that at the very beginning of dating someone,
you’ll have to set some limits on three things: Time,
Contact, and Attention.
1. Time Together: In
the beginning, you really should only get together once a
You need to keep your life separate so you can objectively
assess the situation.
2. Amount of Contact:
You should limit the number of emails and phone calls as well-
to a couple a week.
If you start talking and emailing all day, or every
day, they become a central part of your life, again, before
you even know if they are deserving. This leaves a big hole
in your life when you realize they aren’t The One.
3. Level of Attention: Here
we are referring to your mind and how much time you spend
thinking and fantasizing about them. You need to keep your
mind on your own life.
It’s common to become obsessed and preoccupied
with your new love interest. But when you indulge in 24/7
fantasies, you actually create ruts in your brain. This means,
when it doesn’t work out- it’s going to be super
hard to stop thinking about them and move on already.
2. Ignoring Red Flags
Another fatal mistake is ignoring bad behavior in your new
Many of us are so eager to finally find the right
person that we ignore the signs that our new date is the wrong
It’s common to make excuses, pretend bad behavior
never happened, and blithely go on assuming that it will change.
Instead, it usually gets worse and we end up on an
emotional roller coaster for months.
Solution: Use the Compass Question
The one sure-fire way to make sure you catch red
flags is to pay attention to your FEELINGS.
Your feelings tell you right away whether someone
is good or bad for you.
When you are with someone who is a good match, you’ll
feel good almost all of the time. When you are with someone
who isn’t right for you, you’ll notice bad feelings,
often right from the beginning.
Simply keep this question front and center while
dating, and ask it after every interaction.
The Compass Question: How do
I feel around this person?
Answer it honestly, and you will always know what
direction to go in.
Any feelings of: sadness, confusion, guilt, anger,
worry, irritation, boredom, rejection, or anxiety are big
They are yellow lights. They mean slow down and re-evaluate.
Something has to change, either you or them.
And if the bad feelings continue, it’s time
3. Repeating the Pattern
The final lethal dating error is to fall into the
same dead-end relationship pattern.
Most of us are delayed in finding our soulmate because
we are so busy acting out the same old patterns, with the
same old type of partners with whom it never works.
As long as you keep doing the same thing, you’ll
get the same result.
Solution: Break the Habits
If you want to find the kind of partner you deserve,
you’ll have to break out of the habits that are holding
you back and embrace some new attitudes, skills, and behaviors.
3 Steps to Breaking Free from
1. Identify your pattern
Go through all of your ex’s and make some notes
on their characteristics, how you felt with them, and the
roles you played.
Then search for similarities across partners. You
should be able to identity one or two types you fall for.
2. Recognize Your Pattern in
Armed with this information on the habits that no longer serve
you, start watching for these 3 things to crop up in new dates.
Pay close attention and whenever you see a familiar
characteristic, feeling, or role, be on high alert.
3. Try Out a New Behavior
When your pattern rears it’s ugly head, now
is the time to try out something different.
Do the opposite of whatever you normally do, and
check out what happens next.
If you normally pursue, hold back.
If you normally run and hide, come out and play.
If you forget to set boundaries, stand up for yourself.
If your new partner doesn’t respond positively,
it’s time to go!
Remember, if you want to find your soulmate, you
have to be free and available. Staying in the wrong relationship
for too long will seriously delay your soulmate search.
Avoid these three mortal mistakes and you’ll
be on the fast track to finding your soulmate!
Need some help with these or other dating
dilemmas? Sick of being single? Ready to find your soulmate,
once and for all?
Let Dr. Jenn’s dating coaching resources help
you overcome dating obstacles and finally find true love that
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Your Soulmate- Even more frequent tips for finding your
Seeking Soulmate - Follow along as Dr. Jenn helps a single
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Ever After: A Soulmate Celebration-
Lessons from a Love Coach's Love Life
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Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.