Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle
Coupling Connection - Dr. Jenn Oikle

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The Top Three Soulmate Search Mistakes


Download this article as a PDF HERE: Top 3 Mistakes

So you’ve been searching for your soulmate. But no luck so far. Only bad dates, detours into the wrong relationship, and painful breakups.

Avoid these three critical dating mistakes, and fast forward to your soulmate!

1. Falling Too Fast

One of the most common, and most deadly dating mistakes is getting involved too quickly and falling head over heels in “love” before you even know the person.

I know you’ve done it- we all have. Within a week or two, you are thinking “S/he’s The One,” you can’t concentrate on anything else, and you are communicating all of the time.

In essence, you’ve plugged them into your heart, your brain, and your life, BEFORE you really know if they are a good match.

Then, typically 3 months later, when you see the real person, you realize it wasn’t a match made in heaven. Your heart is broken, your expectations shattered. You feel raw and can’t bear the thought of starting over, AGAIN.

Worse, you’ve become overly attached to them emotionally, which makes breaking up hard to do. In translation: You get stuck in the wrong relationship a lot longer, wasting precious soulmate search time.

Man, no wonder people get bitter about dating and want to give up!

The Solution: Go Slow

You know how the turtle always beats that darn speedy hare? It’s because he takes his time and makes smart decisions, without being blurred by illusion.

The safest way to date is SLOWLY.

The intense chemicals of infatuation that show up in early dating are designed to make you like the hare, all crazed and ready to race ahead.

But those chemicals also blind you to reality.

To see reality, you have to build up your connection with a new partner, slowly, over time.

This means that at the very beginning of dating someone, you’ll have to set some limits on three things: Time, Contact, and Attention.

1. Time Together: In the beginning, you really should only get together once a week.

You need to keep your life separate so you can objectively assess the situation.

2. Amount of Contact: You should limit the number of emails and phone calls as well- to a couple a week.

If you start talking and emailing all day, or every day, they become a central part of your life, again, before you even know if they are deserving. This leaves a big hole in your life when you realize they aren’t The One.

3. Level of Attention: Here we are referring to your mind and how much time you spend thinking and fantasizing about them. You need to keep your mind on your own life.

It’s common to become obsessed and preoccupied with your new love interest. But when you indulge in 24/7 fantasies, you actually create ruts in your brain. This means, when it doesn’t work out- it’s going to be super hard to stop thinking about them and move on already.

2. Ignoring Red Flags
Another fatal mistake is ignoring bad behavior in your new date.

Many of us are so eager to finally find the right person that we ignore the signs that our new date is the wrong match.

It’s common to make excuses, pretend bad behavior never happened, and blithely go on assuming that it will change.

Instead, it usually gets worse and we end up on an emotional roller coaster for months.

Solution: Use the Compass Question

The one sure-fire way to make sure you catch red flags is to pay attention to your FEELINGS.

Your feelings tell you right away whether someone is good or bad for you.

When you are with someone who is a good match, you’ll feel good almost all of the time. When you are with someone who isn’t right for you, you’ll notice bad feelings, often right from the beginning.

Simply keep this question front and center while dating, and ask it after every interaction.

The Compass Question: How do I feel around this person?

Answer it honestly, and you will always know what direction to go in.

Any feelings of: sadness, confusion, guilt, anger, worry, irritation, boredom, rejection, or anxiety are big red flags.

They are yellow lights. They mean slow down and re-evaluate. Something has to change, either you or them.

And if the bad feelings continue, it’s time to walk.

3. Repeating the Pattern

The final lethal dating error is to fall into the same dead-end relationship pattern.

Most of us are delayed in finding our soulmate because we are so busy acting out the same old patterns, with the same old type of partners with whom it never works.

As long as you keep doing the same thing, you’ll get the same result.

Solution: Break the Habits

If you want to find the kind of partner you deserve, you’ll have to break out of the habits that are holding you back and embrace some new attitudes, skills, and behaviors.

3 Steps to Breaking Free from past Patterns

1. Identify your pattern

Go through all of your ex’s and make some notes on their characteristics, how you felt with them, and the roles you played.

Then search for similarities across partners. You should be able to identity one or two types you fall for.

2. Recognize Your Pattern in Action
Armed with this information on the habits that no longer serve you, start watching for these 3 things to crop up in new dates.

Pay close attention and whenever you see a familiar characteristic, feeling, or role, be on high alert.

3. Try Out a New Behavior

When your pattern rears it’s ugly head, now is the time to try out something different.

Do the opposite of whatever you normally do, and check out what happens next.

If you normally pursue, hold back.
If you normally run and hide, come out and play.
If you forget to set boundaries, stand up for yourself.

If your new partner doesn’t respond positively, it’s time to go!

In Conclusion

Remember, if you want to find your soulmate, you have to be free and available. Staying in the wrong relationship for too long will seriously delay your soulmate search.

Avoid these three mortal mistakes and you’ll be on the fast track to finding your soulmate!

Need some help with these or other dating dilemmas? Sick of being single? Ready to find your soulmate, once and for all?

Let Dr. Jenn’s dating coaching resources help you overcome dating obstacles and finally find true love that lasts.

For More Free Dating Advice:

Sign up for our DateSmart Newsletter, filled with savvy dating tips, HERE

Check out Our Blogs:
Attract Your Soulmate- Even more frequent tips for finding your soulmate
Single Seeking Soulmate - Follow along as Dr. Jenn helps a single find her soulmate.

Happily Ever After: A Soulmate Celebration- Lessons from a Love Coach's Love Life

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Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.

Haven't You Waited Long Enough!? Your Soulmate is Out There! Let's Go Find Them!!